Observations of Early 90s WWF

So about two months ago I decided to subscribe to the WWE Network.  I haven’t watched pro wrestling since around 16 or 17 years ago and have no intention of watching it in its current form.  So why would I choose to spend $10 a month for this?

Well look, I don’t tell you how to spend your money so don’t tell me how to spend mine.

Truthfully, I got this tinge of nostalgia a few months ago and thought it’d be fun to watch some old pay-per-views from the 90s and the WWE Network has everything available to stream.  My intention was to take my one month free trial, watch a few Wrestlemanias, a few Royal Rumbles, cancel my subscription and go on with my life.

But much like it’s easy to have a few drinks and fall into a Youtube Black Hole, it’s also easy to do the same thing with the WWE Network.

So here I am, about two months into the WWE Network and I’ve been watching *A LOT* of old wrestling from the early to mid 90’s, including these early episodes of Monday Night Raw that are borderline unwatchable at times.  

Pre-attitude era WWF is almost unrecognizable from what it turned into in the later part of the decade and significantly different from the brief bits and pieces of what I see today.  While I’m sure some of these are still relevant today, I thought I’d make a list of some of my observations from what I've been watching so far.  

*If you have an accent, you’re a bad guy and not to be trusted.

Be it Japanese (Yokozuna), Canadian (The Mountie/Quebecers), Finnish (Ludvig Borga), or whatever the hell Razor Ramon was supposed to be.  This isn’t even to mention any of the Middle Eastern guys who still had relevance through the early part of the decade like the Iron Sheik/Colonel Mustafa/General Adnan.  

We haven't been enemies for 50 something years, but how about one for old time's sake?

I realize I’m not the first person to point out the over-the-top jingoism exhibited by the WWF throughout the years, but seriously, what do we have against Finnish people?  For months, the biggest heel in the WWF was Ludvig Borga, a guy whose only gimmick seemed to be that he was from Finland and he doesn't like the US.  What was the point of this?  Am I forgetting some great conflict we had against Finland?  Were fans telling Borga to "Go Back to Helsinki?"  

*Any foreign object is like getting hit with a brick.

Whether it’s a chair, an urn, a crutch, a bucket of cold water, a wreath, a briefcase, or even a goddamn towel in your face, any foreign object introduce to the ring will cause massive amounts of pain and injury, and in more cases than not, hurt the person it was not intended for.  

Similarly, if for some reason one of the turnbuckle covers becomes exposed, that little metal connector the holds the ropes together becomes more deadly than Ebola.  Anyone unfortunate enough to get bonked in the head with it acts like they got shot in the face with cannon.

*Everyone on the roster can be put into one of six categories.  

Stupid fucking characters: Dear god there are so many of these assholes that look like they were chosen from available positions on monster.com.  At one point, the WWF roster consisted of: a clown, an atomic bomb survivor, a voodoo doctor, a Matador, an IRS agent, an Undertaker (granted this gimmick has lasted like 30 years) a car repossessor, and a couple of cowboys.

A less menacing Hamburglar

Really, really tall, or really really fat:   Have no personality and the WWF doesn’t know what to do with you?  Well, are you eight feet tall or do you weigh 500 pounds?  Great, you’re in.  Includes guys like Earthquake and Tugboat/Typhoon, The Giant Gonzalez, Bam Bam Bigelow, Mable, Bastian Booger, etc.  

  

I mean seriously, what the fuck is this.

Wrestling for America: The “Good” Guys for the better part of this era, some far more successful than others.  Includes Hulk Hogan, Lex Luger (post his heel career as the Narcissist in what seems so forced and stupid now), Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Tatanka and the Bushwhackers.  

Foreigners: Covered above.  

Athletes: Guys that were athletic but probably couldn’t make it in most other sports.  Some with more charisma than others.  Guys like Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, British Bulldog, Etc

Roided up freaks of nature:  I can’t begin to list everyone here but this era has so much of this.  Every single interview/promo until around 1993 is just some giant sweaty man screaming at the camera.  And why not?  Dude has so many drugs running through his bloodstream it only makes sense.       

                                               Ohhhhhhh what a Rush (of a needle getting jabbed into my ass)!

                       

     

*So.  Many.  Squash.  Matches.

If you’re not a wrestling fan (and I’m sure you stopped reading paragraphs ago) or unfamiliar with the term, a Squash Match is a match between an actual wrestler on the WWF roster against just some guy there to get a paycheck who is going to get his ass kicked i.e. a “Jobber.”  

Basically, if your name is something like “Tony Devito,” “Scott King,” or "Ross Greenberg," you’re probably about to get squashed. 

No wonder you could never bet on pro wrestling matches - where do you think the smart money lies - The Undertaker or ROSS GREENBERG?  Ross Greenberg should be doing my taxes, not stepping in the ring with Psycho Sid.  And yes, I'm not six years old, I'm aware that you can't bet because this is all scripted. 

Wheeeeeee!

I didn’t realize until I started watching these old episodes of Monday Night Raw that something like 75% of these matches are squashes.   For the record, I generally skip over these, both because they’re boring and because I’ve only got so much time I’m willing to accept that I’m watching this in the first place.  

*Don’t be black.

Wow there’s a real lack of diversity here.  In fact, off the top of my head there are less than five black dudes on the roster in a three or four year period and they were either glorified jobbers like Koko-B-Ware and Virgil, or horrible caricatures like Kamala - a giant black “Ugandan” who was so stupid he could never remember which way up an opponent needed to be in order to be pinned or Men on a Mission, a pair of rappers that are so amazingly early 90s that I wanted to go get some parachute pants immediately.  

                                                        I think everyone in this video is dead.  That's not funny.

*Randy Savage REALLY hates potato chips.

So there you have it, some quick observations.  Maybe if I give this more thought I'll do more later.  

A Better Ranking of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Episodes

It's been so long since I've published anything that when I went to my old blog tonight, copyandcigarettes.com, I discovered it no longer exists.  So until I get that back up and running, I suppose I'm using Blogspot.  Good thing I backed up all my posts because there's truly some comedy gold in there that was enjoyed by at least a half dozen people.

One of the reasons I haven't published anything in approximately two and a half years has been a lack of inspiration.  Oh, and laziness.  I'm very lazy.  Lazy and uninspired apparently.

The Copy and Cigarettes blog was created by a sudden shot of inspiration sometime in 2006.  I remember the post exactly, even without having to look it up - I had just watched Brokeback Mountain and man did I hate it.  I hated that movie so much that it inspired me to create that old blog and start publishing my thoughts, which were usually related to stupid people, politics, fast food or general things that bothered me.

Well, I had a moment of inspiration again today.  That's not to say that I'll ever post anything again after this, or possibly even finish writing this post.  But for now I'm inspired.

The cause of my inspiration?

This list, published by Patrick Redford from Deadspin (I won't pretend I know who that is or what else he's written for them) who seemingly has never watched Sunny before.  This list, a supposed list of the episodes of Sunny ranked from worst to best, has to be one of the shoddiest lists in the history of lists.  This list has infuriated me so that I've decided to write again.

When It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia premiered in 2005, I was on board from the start.  If I remember the story correctly, the creators of the show (also the stars, minus Kaitlin Olson and Danny Devito - added in Season 2) had sent in a super low budget pilot to FX and miraculously got picked up for a season.  It was a nice little story and I wanted to give the show a shot.  Having been a fan since then, I feel like I am completely qualified to shit on this Deadspin list and create my own.

Interestingly, or probably not so interestingly, I thought about creating this myself a few months ago, but as I mentioned at the top - I'm lazy and have had a serious lack of writing inspiration for years.  Also not so interestingly, I just re-watched the entire series from start to finish in the span of about three weeks, ending just a few days ago, so I feel like this is prime for me to write about now.

Part of the reason the Deadspin list is so maddening is that the author has ranked so many episodes wildly out of order from where I believe most fans agree.  Sure, any list like this is completely subjective and what's really the difference between the 40th best episode and the 60th best episode for a show that has been on television for 11 years?  This is why as I continue to write this post, I'll rank these but also put them in tier groups since anything in any given tier is probably interchangeable to some degree.

My subjectivity is based on overall episode quality.  There are numerous episodes that have some great bits but aren't overall great episodes.  The D.E.N.N.I.S System comes to mind - the first act is a brilliant look into the brain of Dennis, who by this point in the series has more or less completed his transition into a complete sociopath, but the episode sort of falls apart by the third act.

Having given you, probably one of maybe nine people who will ever read this, more exposition than you'll ever need for a subjective list ranking episodes of a TV show, let's get started.


Tier 11 - Shadynasty

123 - Frank's Brother - Deadspin #61

This episode stands alone in its total awfulness.

Tier 10 - Maureen Ponderosa's Dead Tooth 


122 - The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell - Deadspin #111
121 - Charlie Got Molested - Deadspin #123
120 - The Gang Wrestles for the Troops - Deadspin #108
119 - Paddy's Pub - The Worst Bar in Philadelphia - Deadspin #35

The reason I decided to write this list in the first place - any ranked list of Sunny episodes that doesn't have "Frank's Brother" as the worst or second worst episode of the show immediately loses all credibility.  Approximately zero laughs, downright unwatchable.

Most of the rest of these are basically forgettable minus a good bit here or there.  The only thing notable about the molestation episode was the introduction of the McPoyle's.

Tier 9 - Killing Rats

118 - The Gang Gets Held Hostage - Deadspin #56
117 - Psycho Pete Returns - Deadspin #80
116 - The Gang Exploits a Miracle - Deadspin #117
115 - The Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre - Deadspin #22
114 - Mac and Charlie Write a Movie - Deadspin #73
113 - Mac and Charlie Die: Part 2 - Deadspin #59
112 - Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad - Deadspin #79
111 - The Gang Misses the Boat - Deadspin #37
110 - Mac Kills His Dad - Deadspin #69

First, let's get this out of the way: Maureen Ponderosa is the most useless recurring character on this show, and frankly, my use for Rickety Cricket gets less and less with each passing season.  Actually, let's do a quick list inside of a list.

List of best recurring characters:
1) Ernie
2) The McPoyle Brothers
3) Jack Kelly
4) Luther McDonald
5) Mrs. Kelly
6) Mrs. Mac
7) The Waitress
8) Bill Ponderosa
9) Artemis
10) The Lawyer
11) Rickety Cricket
100) Maureen Ponderosa

Tier 8 - Charlie Work

109 - Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom - Deadspin #110
108 - Charlie Wants an Abortion - Deadspin #118
107 - The Gang Finds a Dead Guy - Deadspin #122
106 - Charlie's Mom Has Cancer - Deadspin #92
105 - The Gang Squashes Their Beefs - Deadspin #88
104 - Mac's Big Break - Deadspin #48
103 - Charlie Has Cancer - Deadspin #121
102 - The Gang Saves the Day - Deadspin #107
101 - Pop Pop: The Final Solution - Deadspin #96
100 - How Mac Got Fat - Deadspin #82

Uh oh, maybe I shouldn't have gotten so inspired about this "idiot writer" over at Deadspin since it looks like a lot of my mediocre episodes are also not his favorites, the only real exception here being Mac's Big Break.

I think we also have a bias against the earliest episodes.  I think Sunny real hit its stride in season three, not to say there aren't good moments early on.  I will always laugh as Charlie says we live in a throwaway culture before putting on a facemask and hosing down a booth.

Tier 7 - Cultivating Mass

99 - A Very Sunny Christmas - Deadspin #72
98 - Dee Made a Smut Film - Deadspin #41
97 - Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City - Deadspin #12
96 - Sweet Dee Gets Audited - Deadspin #91
95 - The Gang Gets a New Member - Deadspin #101
94 - The Gang Broke Dee - Deadspin #47
93 - Dee Gives Birth - Deadspin #93
92 - McPoyle vs Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century - Deadspin #24
91 - The Gang Spies Like U.S. - Deadspin #98
90 - High School Reunion Part 2 - The Gang's Revenge - Deadspin #104
89 - Frank's Pretty Woman - Deadspin #77
88 - The Gang Gets Trapped - Deadspin #54
87 - The Gang Gets Whacked (part 2) - Deadspin #44

Looks like my biggest disagreements are "Bums,"  and "The Trial of the Century."  I'm not infuriated.  The dance sequence at the end of the Gang's Revenge is pretty great, but not enough to bump it up too much higher on my list.  I might have some bias against Dee.  I don't dislike her, but I think she might be my least favorite of all the main characters.  Hey, another quick list!

List of best main characters:
1) Charlie
2) Dennis
3) Frank
4) Mac
5) Dee

Tier 6 -  Glory Hole

86 - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off - Deadspin #27
85 - Charlie Goes America All Over Everyone's Ass - Deadspin #100
84 - Gun Fever Too - Still Hot - Deadspin #40
83 - Charlie Rules the World - Deadspin #15
82 - Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender - Deadspin #114
81 - Mac and Charlie: White Trash - Deadspin #14
80 - Gun Fever - Deadspin #21
79 - Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire - Deadspin #33
77 - Flowers for Charlie - Deadspin #4
77 - The Waitress is Getting Married - Deadspin #83
76 - The Gang Gets Whacked (part 1) - Deadspin #67
75 - Charlie Gets Crippled - Deadspin #112
74 - Underage Drinking: A National Concern - Deadspin #90
73 - Being Frank - Deadspin #38
72 - The Great Recession - Deadspin #99
71 - Frank Falls Out the Window - Deadspin #65
70 - Who Pooped the Bed? - Deadspin #8

I feel like this is where I might start stirring some real controversy amongst the four people who might read this.  I feel like "Who Pooped the Bed?" is only an average episode while for many people it's probably top twenty or even ten - and even number 8 on Deadspin.  There are certainly some good bits in this episode - not knowing who ate a credit card and wolf hair come to mind, but overall I see no reason this should be higher.

Tier 5 - Fight Milk

69 - The Gang Group Dates - Deadspin #52
68 - The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6 - Deadspin #66
67 - The Gang Gives Back - Deadspin #57
66 - The Gang Gets Racist - Deadspin #120
65 - Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense - Deadspin #81
64 - Mac Fights Gay Marriage - Deadspin #94
63 - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis - Deadspin #60
62 - America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard - Deadspin #74
61 - The Gang Hits The Slopes - Deadspin #16
60 - The Aluminum Monster vs Fatty Magoo - Deadspin #124
59 - Charlie Catches a Leprechaun - Deadspin #58
58 - Mac and Dennis Buy a Timeshare - Deadspin #26
57 - Charlie and Dee Find Love - Deadspin #17
56 - The Gang Recycles Their Trash - Deadspin #5
55 - Mac's Banging the Waitress - Deadspin #103
54 - The Anti-Social Network - Deadspin #29
53 - Dennis Gets Divorced - Deadspin #86

I don't love the episodes that border on the absurd or other storylines that generally seem out of place with the spirit of the show.  While I like Lethal Weapon 6 for instance, the whole episode seemed like an excuse to fully explore an idea they had from a previous episode they couldn't find any way to really justify.  Also, there is no world in which Fatty Magoo is the worst episode of the show.  The sweatshop scenes alone should exclude this from anyone's bottom ten.

Tier 4 - Kitten Mittens and Dick Towels

52 - The Gang Runs for Office - Deadspin #70
51 - The Gang Desperately Tries to Win an Award - Deadspin #32
50 - Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down - Deadspin #105
49 - Frank Retires - Deadspin #43
48 - Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth - Deadspin #71
47 - The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby - Deadspin #36
46 - The High School Reunion (part 1) - Deadspin #113
45 - The Storm of the Century - Deadspin #62
44 - Mac and Dennis: ManHunters - Deadspin #19
43 - The Gang Goes Jihad - Deadspin #116
42 - The Gang Hits the Road - Deadspin #45
41 - The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition - Deadspin #119
40 - Hundred Dollar Baby - Deadspin #102
39 - Chardee McDennis 2: Electric Bugaloo - Deadspin #18
38 - The Gang Dines Out - Deadspin #31
37 - The DENNIS System - Deadspin #51
36 -Mac is a Serial Killer - Deadspin #97
35 - Mac and Charlie Die: Part 1 - Deadspin #89
34 - The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods - Deadspin #50
33 - Who Got Dee Pregnant - Deadspin #63

Starting to get into classic episode territory, some of my favorite bits from the show are in here including Charlie's inability to write a coherent sentence and the previously mentioned explanation of the DENNIS System.

Tier 3 - Wolf Cola

32 - Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats - Deadspin #6
31 - The Gang Goes to Hell: Part 1 - Deadspin #30
30 - The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore - Deadspin #10
29 - Ass Kickers United: Mac and Charlie Join a Cult - Deadspin #7
28 - The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation - Deadspin #75
27 - The Gang Goes to Hell: Part 2 - Deadspin #53
26 - The Gang Sells out - Deadspin #13
25 - The Gang Goes on Family Fight - Deadspin #76
24 - The Gang Gets Quarantined - Deadspin #78
23 - Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life - Deadspin #106
22 - Mac and Dennis Break Up - Deadspin #68
21 - The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention  - Deadspin #115
20 - Dennis and Dee's Mom is Dead - Deadspin #95
19 - The Gang Gets Invincible - Deadspin $49
18 - Frank Reynold's Little Beauties - Deadspin #85

Here's where things start to get tough.  Are any of these episodes that much better than anything else in this tier?  If there's one thing I've come to appreciate from this show it's their ability to execute a bottle episode well.  I don't know if "The Gang Gets Quarantined" totally fits the bill but "The Gang Goes to Hell" Part 2 and an episode to come is at the top of this list. Wildly underrated on Deadspin's list are North Korea ("Do you think there's a pirate in there?"), Family Fight (Maybe because I watch more Family Feud than I care to admit), An Erotic Life (Seriously, HOW do you rank this so low?  Frank and Charlie eating cat food to fall asleep, Dennis being harassed by Sinbad, etc), and Intervention (HOW HOW HOW do you have this ranked so low)

Tier 2- Rum Ham

17 - Frank's Back in Business - Deadspin #39
16 - Thundergun Express - Deadspin #42
15 - Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens - Deadspin #28
14 - The World Series Defense - Deadspin #25
13 - The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis - Deadspin #2
12 - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack - Deadspin #3
11 - The Gang Beats Boggs - Deadspin #46


These are all great episodes.  From Pepe Sylvia, to Dennis trying to get off impersonating Brian Levere to Charlie walking around a sewer, dick towls, kitten mittens, and Dennis' dossier on his sister that starts in crayon since he's been doing it for so long, this list has too many great bits to name them all.  I hate leaving anything here out of the top ten, but the following ten stand alone.

Tier 1 - The Duster

10 - The Gang Gets Analyzed - Deadspin #87
9 - Mac Day - Deadspin #34
8 - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person - Deadspin #109
7 - Dennis and Dee go on Welfare - Deadspin #84
6 - Mac and Dennis Move to the Suburbs - Deadspin #9
5 - The Gang Buys a Boat - Deadspin #23
4 - The Gang Reignites the Rivalry - Deadspin #64
3 - The Nightman Cometh - Deadspin #20
2 - Charlie Work - Deadspin #1
1 - Chardee McDennis: The Game of Games - Deadspin #11

These episodes stand alone - they all are consistently funny from start to finish and all come to satisfying conclusions (with the lone exception of killing off Country Mac).  I find it interesting that my top ten list only shares one in common with the Deadspin list.  How can you not think the Retarded episode and the Welfare episode are somehow worse than Frank's Brother?  Basically, they lost me at Frank's Brother.

Anyway, that's my list.  What do you think?