The Keanu Reeves Project - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES (1993) - Julian Gitche

A few posts ago, I felt relieved to know that I would never have to watch another Gus Van Sant movie again in my life as I do not enjoy his work and basically hated "My Own Private Idaho."

Unfortunately, I did not realize ahead of time that I'd be subjected to yet another Van Sant piece of garbage known as the 1993 movie, "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues."

I feel like I have a lot to say here so this post might be just a tad bit rambling.

First, I'd like to start off with the first two paragraphs of Roger Ebert's original review:

I haven't read the Tom Robbins novel Even Cowgirls Get the Blues.  Perhaps it would help if I had.  Perhaps the book would make the new movie of the sane name explicable if not enjoyable.  I cannot say. 

What I am sure of is that "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" is one of the more empty pointless, baffling films I can remember, and the experience of viewing it is an exercise in nothingness.

He went on to express how much he hated this movie and ended up giving it half a star, which frankly, might be a generous rating.

What really annoys me about this movie is the lies it tells in the opening credits.  I suppose it's an ensemble cast with Uma Thurman being the only person in more than three or four scenes.  But Keanu Reeves is 4th billed in this and he has maybe three lines in the whole film and appears in a whopping two scenes.  But the list of recognizable names in this is extensive:

Lorraine Bracco, Pat Morita, Angie Dickinson, John Hurt, Ed Begley Jr, Carol Kane, Sean Young, Crispin Glover, Roseanne Barr, Buck Henry (Liz Lemon's father in "30 Rock but probably most famous for writing "Get Smart"), Heather Graham, and Ken Kesey.  What the fuck is Ken Kesey doing in this movie?  For the uninformed, Ken Kesey wrote the excellent novel and screenplay for "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," and his appearance in this movie as Uma Thurman's father is baffling.

The opening credits end with a dedication to River Phoenix, who died in 1993.  If I was close to Gus Van Sant and he had dedicated this piece of garbage to my memory, I'd haunt the shit out of him for the rest of his life in return.  

If any actor should have been second billed for this 90 minute waste of time, it should have been River's sister, Rain Phoenix.  I didn't know anything about Rain Phoenix prior to this movie, including whether Rain is a man or a woman.  In fact, given how little most people were actually in this movie, I thought this guy was Rain Phoenix when he first appeared on screen:

NOT Rain Phoenix

It wasn't until the real Rain Phoenix showed up moments later that I realized my error because she looks, well, exactly like her other brother, Joaquin:

NOT Joaquin Phoenix with long hair

Okay, how about a short synopsis of whatever the fuck this movie was?

Uma Thurman plays Sissy, a young woman who was born with freakishly large thumbs, which her father jokes will help her become a great hitchhiker one day.  The joke is on him though because that's exactly what she becomes as she gets older - a homeless drifter who travels back and forth across the country using her enormous thumbs to hitch rides.  Uma Thurman wears comically large prosthetics which I didn't bother taking a screenshot of.  

Better movie if she had been murdered here

She travels to New York to meet up with John Hurt playing The Countess, an eccentric gay man who runs a douche factory and for whom she used to model in ads for.  Upon her arrival, the Countess offers to set her up on a date with a young artist friend of his, Julian Gitche played by our hero, Keanu Reeves, who is apparently supposed to be 100% native American and may or may not be wearing brownface:

Native American Keanu Reeves

Sissy meets up with Julian, who is taken aback by her beauty and immediately has an asthma attack and is rendered unable to speak.  A number of his friends rush to his side to help him into a taxi and take him home.  His friend group includes many of the notable actors mentioned above - Carol Kane, Ed Bagley and Crispin Glover.  There's a brief scene back at Julian's apartment where all of his friends get to know (and attempt to rape?) Sissy, and that's the last we see of any of them.  Just another pointless scene in a completely pointless movie and the only reason I'm mentioning it is because it includes the only three minutes Keanu is in.

And that's it for Keanu Reeves, despite his near top billing on this one.  He coughs out two lines, is dragged helplessly to a taxi, and then he's gone forever from this movie.  And yet I had to endure another 70 minutes.

From there, this movie meanders with no real purpose until its conclusion.  Sissy winds up at a ranch owned by The Countess, which is run by "The Cowgirls" and their leader Bonanza Jellybean played by Rain Phoenix.  I suppose with a name like that you'd think she'd be fun or interesting, but she's really not and much like everyone else, adds nothing to this.

The Cowgirls eventually stage a violent takeover of the ranch and start getting all the whooping cranes in the United States to stop migrating and instead live on the ranch by feeding them peyote.  This eventually draws the attention of the president who sends in the army to free the cranes, or something.  Also, Pat Morita, known as "The Chink" lives on the hill next to the ranch and is supposed to be some sort of wise prophet/mystic who advises Bonanza and Sissy, or something like that.  Once again, pointless, although there is an implied sexual relationship between him and Sissy and him and Bonanza which is...weird.  

WAX OFF

The movie ends after a standoff with the army in which Bonanza is shot and killed.  Sissy leaves the ranch and gets back on the road, and nobody could give a shit including me.

If my short synopsis sounds shitty or lacking in information it's because this movie is an utter piece of trash with no direction and no point.  I read that after its initial screening and subsequent boos it received in theaters, it was shelved and heavily re-edited for a rerelease.  I can only imagine how bad the original was because this was a real slog to get through.  At least it clocked in at a cool 90 minutes and change.

I can't say I'm too surprised that I hated this as it is now the fourth or fifth Gus Van Sant movie I've endured and utterly hated, but at least this time I'm not alone, which I'll get into briefly below.

Overall, the movie has the tone of a John Waters production minus any of the heart or talent that the limited number of his films I've seen usually have.  I hated every single minute of this, including the three that Keanu was in.

A few additional notes on "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues": 

One fun thing from this project is that I am starting to recognize other actors who have randomly popped up in some of these early films.  For instance, this is the second appearance we've seen of Pat Morita (also in the made for TV piece of trash "Babes in Toyland"), the second appearance of Heather Graham who has one line in this (previously in "I Love You to Death"), the second appearance of Uma Thurman (previously in "Dangerous Liasons"), and the second appearance of two actors who I assume are Gus Van Sant favorites - Susan's mother from Seinfeld and the weird German guy from "My Own Private Idaho."  I'm sure all of these people regret their decision to appear in "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues."

*This movie marks the third Phoenix sibling that Keanu Reeves has appeared in a movie with - the previous two of course being River Phoenix in "My Own Private Idaho," and Joaquin Phoenix in "Parenthood."  I'm not sure if there are any other Phoenix siblings but after seeing Rain in this one and knowing that River is dead by this point, I really hope not.

*This was based on the novel of the same name, which was apparently pretty well regarded.  After seeing this movie, I can say conclusively that I have no interest in reading the book.

*This movie features the single worst performance by any actor in any movie I've watched for this project so far (name unknown).  This guy - 

The worst performance of 1993 goes to this guy

I would almost even recommend watching this movie just for this scene of an emergency room doctor who gives the news that the Countess is not going to wind up a vegetable after being punched in the face by Sissy.  I couldn't even find his credit on the IMDB page so I'm just going to go ahead and assume he is somehow related to Gus Van Sant because this was one of the worst on screen performances I can remember in recent memory that you just sort of have to see for yourself.

BEST PART: There is literally nothing good about this movie.

WORST PART: Take your pick: writing, acting, bad prosthetics, useless cameos, and on and on and on.

Box Office Mojo Information: $1.7 million ($3.7 million inflation adjusted) on a $8 million budget.  BOMB.  

Rotten Tomatoes: 19% Critics, 28% Audience - unlike the previous Gus Van Sant movie which had some critical acclaim despite my feelings to the contrary, it seems like nobody was a fan of "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues."  Probably because it was fucking terrible.

IMDB: 4.4 - still too high.

My Movie Rating: 3/10.  This was just a pointless, meandering, aimless waste of time.  The only reason I'm not giving it a lower rating is because 1s and 2s really are reserved for movies that get everything wrong.  At least Gus Van Sant is an actual filmmaker (even if I don't like his movies) with a cinematographer, an editor, and a sound guy.

Keanu Rating: 3/10.  It's a little hard to give him a rating because he really only has two lines in this movie, but even the two lines he gives are done pretty shittily.  Frankly, I'm upset that I had to watch this entire movie to learn that bit of information, otherwise I would have skipped it.  

Up next: the 1993 movie, "Little Buddha"  I've never seen this but I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll at least find it entertaining if not good.  And I'm pretty sure Keanu has more than two lines in it.