I'm just going to get this out of the way off the top: this movie really sucked. I mean, it really, really sucked. I had felt tortured by earlier movies like "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues," and the atrocious TV movie "Babes in Toyland," but this was abysmal on different levels.
I went into this one with an open mind as I do with all the movies I know little to nothing about, and had thought to myself it's Keanu and Cameron Diaz, can't be that bad, can it?
Yes, it can.
I like Cameron Diaz. Aside from being a total smoke show (especially in this movie), I think she's a pretty funny comedic actress. She's obviously great in "There's Something About Mary," but has also done some other really quality work, like her roles in "Being John Malkovich" and what I used to think was a very underrated dark comedy, "Very Bad Things."
But unlike those movies, she and everyone else involved in "Feeling Minnesota" are completely wasted. Was this a drama? A comedy? A dark comedy? A romantic dark comedy? A romantic dark dramedy? The trailer, which I watched afterwards to try to gain some clarity made it clear that this is at the very least, supposed to be funny. Funny it was not, but I can certainly determine that it was a complete waste of time.
As usual, maximum spoilers ahead.
"Feeling Minnesota" at first feels like a shitty knock off of a one of my favorite movies, "True Romance," then tosses in a a little "Dumb and Dumber," "Gone Girl," adds a splash of Dan Akroyd and calls it a day.
The movie opens with a montage of two brothers in the 70s, one of whom is a gigantic bully to the other before we flash forward to present day Minnesota where Freddie, played by Cameron Diaz, is wearing a wedding dress and running along some train tracks trying to escape a car full of goons, led by Red played by Delroy Lindo. They eventually catch up to her and he menacingly tells her that yes, she is getting married today. She doesn't seem too happy about it.
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| Is he a pimp? A drug dealer? A humble arcade operator? We will never know. Or care. |
The movie never bothers to really explain what their relationship is, except that Freddie owes Red money. The movie also never bothers to explain what Red actually does other than that he's a generic criminal. Don't worry, none of this particularly matters just like everything else in this.
Due to her debt, Red forces Freddie to get married to his shady accountant Sam, played here by the Vince D'Onofrio, a man I've long reviled since he scene chewing role in "Law and Order: Criminal Intent." Apparently Sam is the one that noticed/found/made up that Freddie is in debt $10,000 and so Red's reward is to....give her to him? Sure.
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| Same tuxedo as a much, much, much funnier movie |
At the wedding, Sam's younger brother Jjaks (played by our hero Keanu Reeves) arrives uninvited and without a gift to boot. Freddie, pissed off that she's marrying a man she doesn't want to marry, immediately hits it off with Jjaks. We never learn what Freddie and Sam's relationship was prior to the wedding, or even if they knew each other because this movie cares little for exposition, logic, or humor.
As a quick aside, we later learn that his name is Jjaks due to a misspelling on his birth certificate. This is...supposed to be funny? HA FUCKING HA.
After sharing a beer and a short conversation, Freddie bring Jjaks into the house and they have sex in a dirty bathroom, and for the first time I can remember in this project so far, we get to witness Keanu's "O-Face," which made me feel ashamed and embarrassed even though I was watching this by myself.
Later at the reception, Jjaks is admonished by his mother for coming without a gift, Jjaks does the natural thing and steals a car and robs a gas station because sure, that makes sense. He returns to the party and at the shock of him attempting to own his mother with the gift he bought with the stolen cash, she drops dead of a heart attack.
It was at this point that I started contemplating slashing my wrists rather than keep watching.
From here, a number of very stupid fucking things happen and yet nothing happens at all. Jjacks and Freddie decide to run away to Vegas together, except they have no money so they return home with the intention of stealing cash from Sam that he had tucked away. Unfortunately for them, Sam already spent all of his money (which we later find out was stolen from Red) on a down payment for a house just outside of Vegas.
There's a big fight and Sam bites part of Jjacks' ear off, which is only important because it allows Keanu Reeves to fashion a bandage with a torn off shirt sleeve but ends up looking like a stupid Karate Kid.
So Sam, naturally, is pissed off. His younger brother stole his wife and attempted to take his money as well. So he tracks down Freddie, has her drive them to an alley, and shoots her dead. Sam then takes her lifeless body back to the hotel room where Jjacks and her are staying and attempts to frame Jjacks for her murder by leaving the murder weapon in the room and Freddie in the tub.
Jjacks is passed out from his fight with his older brother and when he wakes up he finds Freddie dead and a gun on the nightstand, and it isn't until near the end of the movie that we are supposed to know that he thought he had killed Freddie during his blackout and not that he was being setup for a murder. None of it makes any sense and I want to die.
A bunch more stupid shit happens at this point and if I continue to go beat by beat I'll be here all night. So I'll cut to the chase a bit -
It turns out that Freddie, despite being shot in the side at point blank range, IS NOT actually dead. There are so many problems logically here that I cannot begin to list them all but needless to say, it's all very fucking predictable yet asinine. There are a handful of a comedy of errors (light on the comedy but big on the errors) including an extortion plot gone wrong, a ricochet'd bullet nearly killing Sam, and a perplexing "twist" where Dan Akroyd as a dirty cop kills Sam and attempts to steal a bunch of money. If I'd only hung myself in minute 20 I wouldn't have to know any of this.
I can't stress enough: this movie really fucking sucks.
In the end, Freddie is able to flee (alone) to Vegas. Jjacks hitches a ride there, to find her living her dream as a Vegas showgirl, they reunite and live happily ever after. Which is good for them because everyone that made it this far in the movie has probably killed themself.
It's hard to believe that this movie came out the same year as "Fargo," a movie that despite its name also mostly takes place in Minnesota and is infinitely better.
Wow, this was truly a piece of shit, and I'm a little surprised I am still alive to be writing this post.
Some stray thoughts on this one:
*Early in the movie there is a scene where Sam rapes Freddie, although the movie doesn't seem to really understand the implications of what's happening. We only really get the audio of Cameron Diaz saying things like "Stop, you're hurting me," and "No." I had a lot of problems with this, particularly because the soundtrack during this scene is a weird adult contemporary song that made me realize that the filmmaker either didn't understand the implications of what was happening here or worse, didn't care. Again, this movie is...a comedy?
*I am honestly incredulous at the lack of exposition and defiance of logic in this movie. The audience is never told any number of things that would matter but probably not make this movie any better anyway, such as: what was Freddie and Sam's relationship prior to the wedding, how does Red make money, what is Dan Akroyd's relationship with Red, how does a comatose woman who has been shot not bleed out and die on the side of the road, why did Jjacks think he killed Freddie particularly when a gun shows up in a hotel room that wasn't there before, and who thought making this movie was a good idea?
*Aside from Dan Akroyd, NOBODY in this movie even bothers to attempt to do a Minnesotan accent. Perhaps this was for the best, particularly as I've already noted in previous posts that Keanu is not a guy known for his accent work.
*Hey, Courtney Love is in this as a waitress at the diner next to the motel and she's not bad in it. There's absolutely nothing about this character that required this to be Courtney Love, but fuck it, like the rest of this movie, who cares?
*John Caroll Lynch, who you may or may not recognize, has a small role as a cop in this and he ALSO appears in Fargo, and I think that's a very minor but fun piece of trivia.
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| I will say this, they make a nice looking couple. |
After sharing a beer and a short conversation, Freddie bring Jjaks into the house and they have sex in a dirty bathroom, and for the first time I can remember in this project so far, we get to witness Keanu's "O-Face," which made me feel ashamed and embarrassed even though I was watching this by myself.
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| If things go right, I'll be showing her my "O-Face." |
It was at this point that I started contemplating slashing my wrists rather than keep watching.
From here, a number of very stupid fucking things happen and yet nothing happens at all. Jjacks and Freddie decide to run away to Vegas together, except they have no money so they return home with the intention of stealing cash from Sam that he had tucked away. Unfortunately for them, Sam already spent all of his money (which we later find out was stolen from Red) on a down payment for a house just outside of Vegas.
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| I wish this was over |
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| Wax off |
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| Bath time |
A bunch more stupid shit happens at this point and if I continue to go beat by beat I'll be here all night. So I'll cut to the chase a bit -
It turns out that Freddie, despite being shot in the side at point blank range, IS NOT actually dead. There are so many problems logically here that I cannot begin to list them all but needless to say, it's all very fucking predictable yet asinine. There are a handful of a comedy of errors (light on the comedy but big on the errors) including an extortion plot gone wrong, a ricochet'd bullet nearly killing Sam, and a perplexing "twist" where Dan Akroyd as a dirty cop kills Sam and attempts to steal a bunch of money. If I'd only hung myself in minute 20 I wouldn't have to know any of this.
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| How everyone watching this movie feels |
In the end, Freddie is able to flee (alone) to Vegas. Jjacks hitches a ride there, to find her living her dream as a Vegas showgirl, they reunite and live happily ever after. Which is good for them because everyone that made it this far in the movie has probably killed themself.
It's hard to believe that this movie came out the same year as "Fargo," a movie that despite its name also mostly takes place in Minnesota and is infinitely better.
Wow, this was truly a piece of shit, and I'm a little surprised I am still alive to be writing this post.
Some stray thoughts on this one:
*Early in the movie there is a scene where Sam rapes Freddie, although the movie doesn't seem to really understand the implications of what's happening. We only really get the audio of Cameron Diaz saying things like "Stop, you're hurting me," and "No." I had a lot of problems with this, particularly because the soundtrack during this scene is a weird adult contemporary song that made me realize that the filmmaker either didn't understand the implications of what was happening here or worse, didn't care. Again, this movie is...a comedy?
*I am honestly incredulous at the lack of exposition and defiance of logic in this movie. The audience is never told any number of things that would matter but probably not make this movie any better anyway, such as: what was Freddie and Sam's relationship prior to the wedding, how does Red make money, what is Dan Akroyd's relationship with Red, how does a comatose woman who has been shot not bleed out and die on the side of the road, why did Jjacks think he killed Freddie particularly when a gun shows up in a hotel room that wasn't there before, and who thought making this movie was a good idea?
*Aside from Dan Akroyd, NOBODY in this movie even bothers to attempt to do a Minnesotan accent. Perhaps this was for the best, particularly as I've already noted in previous posts that Keanu is not a guy known for his accent work.
*Hey, Courtney Love is in this as a waitress at the diner next to the motel and she's not bad in it. There's absolutely nothing about this character that required this to be Courtney Love, but fuck it, like the rest of this movie, who cares?
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| I am doll parts |
*John Caroll Lynch, who you may or may not recognize, has a small role as a cop in this and he ALSO appears in Fargo, and I think that's a very minor but fun piece of trivia.
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| This guy |
*This movie has the fucking gall to end on a cover of the wonderful Johnny Cash song, Ring of Fire. I don't know why this angered me as much as it did but this was infuriating.
Box Office information: $3 Million Domestic ($6.4 Million adjusted), Under $1 Million international, $3.7 Million worldwide. I was unable to find the budget but based on the actors in this alone, I have to imagine this lost a lot of money.
Rotten Tomatoes: 14% Critics (only 21 reviews), 27% audience. Those both sound about right. And interestingly enough, Siskel and Ebert gave it....two thumbs up? Yes, they sure did. When all is said and done and I compile my rankings of all these movies, I might have to revise it to put this at the bottom, although "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" was probably a more painful watch.
IMDB: 5.4
IMDB: 5.4
My Movie Rating: 3/10. This. Movie. Sucks.
Keanu Rating: 5/10. The one and only thing I will give this movie credit for is that the performances in it aren't especially bad. It was just the writing, editing, directing, and everything else. Keanu Reeves mostly slept walked his way through this, maybe because of how little he had to go with.
Next: "The Last Time I Committed Suicide." I have no idea what this is either but I thought about suicide during the 90 minutes of "Feeling Minnesota" and it can't be much worse.
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