So about two months ago I decided to subscribe to the WWE Network. I haven’t watched pro wrestling since around 16 or 17 years ago and have no intention of watching it in its current form. So why would I choose to spend $10 a month for this?
Well look, I don’t tell you how to spend your money so don’t tell me how to spend mine.
Truthfully, I got this tinge of nostalgia a few months ago and thought it’d be fun to watch some old pay-per-views from the 90s and the WWE Network has everything available to stream. My intention was to take my one month free trial, watch a few Wrestlemanias, a few Royal Rumbles, cancel my subscription and go on with my life.
But much like it’s easy to have a few drinks and fall into a Youtube Black Hole, it’s also easy to do the same thing with the WWE Network.
So here I am, about two months into the WWE Network and I’ve been watching *A LOT* of old wrestling from the early to mid 90’s, including these early episodes of Monday Night Raw that are borderline unwatchable at times.
Pre-attitude era WWF is almost unrecognizable from what it turned into in the later part of the decade and significantly different from the brief bits and pieces of what I see today. While I’m sure some of these are still relevant today, I thought I’d make a list of some of my observations from what I've been watching so far.
*If you have an accent, you’re a bad guy and not to be trusted.
Be it Japanese (Yokozuna), Canadian (The Mountie/Quebecers), Finnish (Ludvig Borga), or whatever the hell Razor Ramon was supposed to be. This isn’t even to mention any of the Middle Eastern guys who still had relevance through the early part of the decade like the Iron Sheik/Colonel Mustafa/General Adnan.
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| We haven't been enemies for 50 something years, but how about one for old time's sake? |
I realize I’m not the first person to point out the over-the-top jingoism exhibited by the WWF throughout the years, but seriously, what do we have against Finnish people? For months, the biggest heel in the WWF was Ludvig Borga, a guy whose only gimmick seemed to be that he was from Finland and he doesn't like the US. What was the point of this? Am I forgetting some great conflict we had against Finland? Were fans telling Borga to "Go Back to Helsinki?"
*Any foreign object is like getting hit with a brick.
Whether it’s a chair, an urn, a crutch, a bucket of cold water, a wreath, a briefcase, or even a goddamn towel in your face, any foreign object introduce to the ring will cause massive amounts of pain and injury, and in more cases than not, hurt the person it was not intended for.
Similarly, if for some reason one of the turnbuckle covers becomes exposed, that little metal connector the holds the ropes together becomes more deadly than Ebola. Anyone unfortunate enough to get bonked in the head with it acts like they got shot in the face with cannon.
*Everyone on the roster can be put into one of six categories.
Stupid fucking characters: Dear god there are so many of these assholes that look like they were chosen from available positions on monster.com. At one point, the WWF roster consisted of: a clown, an atomic bomb survivor, a voodoo doctor, a Matador, an IRS agent, an Undertaker (granted this gimmick has lasted like 30 years) a car repossessor, and a couple of cowboys.
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| A less menacing Hamburglar |
Really, really tall, or really really fat: Have no personality and the WWF doesn’t know what to do with you? Well, are you eight feet tall or do you weigh 500 pounds? Great, you’re in. Includes guys like Earthquake and Tugboat/Typhoon, The Giant Gonzalez, Bam Bam Bigelow, Mable, Bastian Booger, etc.
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| I mean seriously, what the fuck is this. |
Wrestling for America: The “Good” Guys for the better part of this era, some far more successful than others. Includes Hulk Hogan, Lex Luger (post his heel career as the Narcissist in what seems so forced and stupid now), Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Tatanka and the Bushwhackers.
Foreigners: Covered above.
Athletes: Guys that were athletic but probably couldn’t make it in most other sports. Some with more charisma than others. Guys like Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, British Bulldog, Etc
Roided up freaks of nature: I can’t begin to list everyone here but this era has so much of this. Every single interview/promo until around 1993 is just some giant sweaty man screaming at the camera. And why not? Dude has so many drugs running through his bloodstream it only makes sense.
Ohhhhhhh what a Rush (of a needle getting jabbed into my ass)!
*So. Many. Squash. Matches.
If you’re not a wrestling fan (and I’m sure you stopped reading paragraphs ago) or unfamiliar with the term, a Squash Match is a match between an actual wrestler on the WWF roster against just some guy there to get a paycheck who is going to get his ass kicked i.e. a “Jobber.”
Basically, if your name is something like “Tony Devito,” “Scott King,” or "Ross Greenberg," you’re probably about to get squashed.
No wonder you could never bet on pro wrestling matches - where do you think the smart money lies - The Undertaker or ROSS GREENBERG? Ross Greenberg should be doing my taxes, not stepping in the ring with Psycho Sid. And yes, I'm not six years old, I'm aware that you can't bet because this is all scripted.
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| Wheeeeeee! |
I didn’t realize until I started watching these old episodes of Monday Night Raw that something like 75% of these matches are squashes. For the record, I generally skip over these, both because they’re boring and because I’ve only got so much time I’m willing to accept that I’m watching this in the first place.
*Don’t be black.
Wow there’s a real lack of diversity here. In fact, off the top of my head there are less than five black dudes on the roster in a three or four year period and they were either glorified jobbers like Koko-B-Ware and Virgil, or horrible caricatures like Kamala - a giant black “Ugandan” who was so stupid he could never remember which way up an opponent needed to be in order to be pinned or Men on a Mission, a pair of rappers that are so amazingly early 90s that I wanted to go get some parachute pants immediately.
I think everyone in this video is dead. That's not funny.
*Randy Savage REALLY hates potato chips.
So there you have it, some quick observations. Maybe if I give this more thought I'll do more later.
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