The Keanu Reeves Project: Babes in Toyland

BABES IN TOYLAND (TV Movie, 1986) - Jack Fenton/Jack Be Nimble

It looks like I have finally come to the end of Keanu Reeves' illustrious career in TV movies and not a moment too soon.  I've got 90 some odd movies to go and I'm willing to bet none will be as trying on my mental stability or patience as my viewing tonight of the 1986 TV Movie, "Babes in Toyland."

So far, for much of this project I've done some cursory research on the movies I've been watching just to get a little bit of background, but if I spend one more second on anything having to do with "Babes in Toyland" other than this blog post, I'm going to blow my brains out.

"Babes in Toyland" was a remake of a 1960 movie and is basically the Wizard of Oz for Christmas, made for mentally slow children.  It stars an 11 year old Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves and Richard Mulligan (who you might remember from the TV shows "Soap" and "Empty Nest).  I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this movie is the reason that Drew Barrymore started doing hard drugs by age 12.

I know it's a family Christmas movie that was made for TV in the mid 80's but this thing was fucking unwatchable.

When trying to find this movie online, I was confronted with two miserable choices:

The TWO AND A HALF HOUR "Director's Cut" Version

OR

The far more appealing 90 minute version, however this one was someone's low-rent Mystery Science Theater 3000 version with some random guy making comments throughout the movie.

Neither option seemed like a particularly good choice so I bit the bullet and went with the director's cut.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you, I sat through most of this putrid piece of garbage in double speed, so the two and a half our long version only took me about an hour and fifteen minutes to absorb, which is still time I'm upset I'll never get back.

"Get me out of here."

Here's a summary of what I think I just watched:

Drew Barrymore is visiting her sister on Christmas Eve at the toy store she works at.  The store owner, played by Richard Mulligan is a real hard-ass and for reasons that truly don't matter, fires Keanu Reeves.  He also gets a little bit rapey with Keanu's 17 year old girlfriend, which is pretty cool for a family film.

Keanu, Drew Barrymore and her sister are driving home from the store in a blizzard when the car veers off the road and Drew Barrymore flies out of the car and into a tree (I wish she had died and the movie ended right there) and for the next two fucking hours we're whisked away to Toyland, which was basically a bad fever dream version of Oz.

The fuck is this shit?

Toyland is basically inhabited by a bunch of nursery rhyme characters and a slew of furries, who I assume are all fucking each other behind the scenes.  When Drew Barrymore arrives, she finds out that Bartleby (Richard Mulligan) is the town villain and he's trying to marry Jack Be Nimble's (Keanu Reeves) girlfriend and take over the town cookie factory.  You see, in Toyland cookies are currency and seriously who gives a fuck.

This is all very upsetting.

Bartleby controls a couple of minions as well as a slew of of evil monster things, and he frames Jack Be Nimble for the destruction of a bunch of cookies and Jack is sent to Toyland Jail.  Okay, do you give a shit about any of this?

I'm so glad I wasn't on acid while watching this.

Oh, and did I mention that this is a musical?  Yeah, it's a musical, and the songs are all fucking abysmal sung by a bunch of lip syncing actors.  Drew Barrymore sounds like a 30 year old woman and Mr. Miyagi....well I can't even explain.  Oh yeah, that's right, Pat Morita is in this godforsaken piece of trash as the Toymaster.

WAX OFF.

So there's a bunch of hijinks and prison escapes and more nonsense.  They mention Cincinatti at least two dozen times because that's where Drew Barrymore is from.  There actually was one funny bit about this, where the Toymaster tells Drew he knows about Cincinatti when nobody else in Toyland does.  "You must be very proud of Pete Rose," he tells her.  Uh....yeah, super proud.  Oh, 1986, how we don't miss you.

If I was a kid and my parents put me in front of the TV to watch this at Christmas it would have become very clear to me very quickly that there is no god.

My brain is on fire

Eventually there's a big battle between the Toymaster's toy soldiers come to life and Bartleby's army of black Klansmen.  Or at least that's what they looked like.

Make it stop

Bartleby is expelled from Toyland, Drew Barrymore wakes up and is surrounded by all her friends - the tin man, the scarecrow and the cowardly lion.  It was all just a dream.

Fucking kill me.

BEST PART: IT'S FINALLY OVER.

WORST PART: FUCKING EVERYTHING. 

Box Office Mojo information:  N/A

Rotten Tomatoes: 50% Audience

IMDB: 5.4

My Movie Rating: 0/10.  I would rather have Keanu Reeves take a dump on my face than watch this ever again.

Keanu Rating: 1/10.  He's bad, Drew Barrymore is bad, Pat Morita is bad, everyone is fucking bad.  

Up next - The 1988 movie "About Last Night" starring Keanu Reeves and....Lori Loughlin?  Again?  Seriously?