The Keanu Reeves Project: Dangerous Liasons

DANGEROUS LIASONS (Movie - 1988) - Chevalier Danceny

Welcome back to The Keanu Reeves Project, where I'm sitting down and watching Keanu Reeves movies in order (by IMDB anyway) from the beginning of his career to today.

My plan is to not skip over anything, as best as I can, although I do think I'm going to skip over any voice work, which I don't think is much of a long list.  I'm also planning on rewatching anything I've already seen, be it just once or a hundred times.

My latest movie is the 1988 movie Dangerous Liasons, based on the 1782 novel, Les Liasons Dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos De Laclos and the play from 1982.

The movie stars Glenn Close as the Marquise de Merteuil and John Malkovich as Vicomte de Valmont, two sex crazed French aristocrats living in Paris, determined to fuck with about as many of their friends and family members as possible in a bunch of weird sex games because banging each other would be too boring.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun - you don't stare, it's too risky!

I don't really feel like describing the entire movie, but the central plot is that Glenn Close challenges Malkovich to bang Madame de Tourvel (Michelle Pfieffer) because Glenn Close used to bone down with her now-husband and now she's out for revenge.  If he succeeds (with written proof of said banging) he gets to plow Glenn Close, Parisian style. 

Meanwhile, Malkovich is basically the horniest dude in all of Paris and he's already trying to stick it in Uma Thurman among all the other side chicks he's got, including nameless other women and even a prostitute or two.  Malkovich spends a good part of the movie being a lecherous fuck, scheming about how to get anything that works into bed, and writing letters on naked ladies backs. 

Then, on the side we've got Keanu, playing a wealthy but still lower class "intellect" that Glenn Close hires to teach Uma Thurman music.  He's very artsy and emotional and completely miscast in this role and if you hadn't already guessed, Glenn Close also starts fucking him on the side.  This movie is basically the 1790's version of Melrose Place set in Paris.  

I am a sensitive artist

Eventually, both Glenn Close and Malkovich get their comeuppance - Malkovich in the form of a duel with Keanu (which he loses and is killed), and Glenn Close when Keanu shows all the rich folk her letters to Malkovich in which she lays out just how fucking devious and terrible she is.  It's a good thing that #MeToo wasn't a thing back then because Malkovich would have been taken down way sooner.  

It's a little weird seeing Malkovich this young in a movie as he's one of those guys that I feel like was 50 years old when he was born, and it's doubly weird that he's some sort of 18th century sex god but hey, the movie was very well received and nominated (and won) several academy awards.  

You banged my sort of girlfriend you Parisian dickweed!

All told, a pretty good movie although not up my alley.  I'm not one for period pieces and despite the fact I posted two pictures of Keanu, he's barely in this movie which might have been for the best as I'll mention a little more below.

BEST PART: Glenn Close is really good in this even if we hate her. 

WORST PART: John Malkovich as an 18th century Lothario?  I just don't get it.  Also whatever accent Keanu is doing. 

Box Office Mojo information: $35 Million and just the 202nd highest grossing movie in 1988.

Rotten Tomatoes: 93% Critics, 83% Audience

IMDB: 7.6

My Movie Rating: 6.5/10.  It's certainly not that it's a bad movie, just not really for me.  You can definitely tell that this was adapted from a play as it's extremely dialog heavy and set essentially in three different places.  A lot of wealthy aristocrats sitting around fancy parlors and scheming against one another just isn't really my thing and I just find John Malkovich slightly unbelievable as some kind of Don Juan that every woman in Paris is trying to get plowed by.  

Keanu Rating: 2/10.  Woof.  Not really his fault, this seems like a casting job gone awry.  I also hate these period movies that take place in Europe where everyone seems to be doing their own accents and Keanu still just sounds like he's from southern California.  He's really only in four or five scenes and is not even particularly important to the movie but even if you're a huge fan you can definitely skip this one if you're just watching for Keanu.

Up next - Is it....is it actually time?  It is!  Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure!