The Keanu Reeves Project - Henry's Crime

 HENRY'S CRIME (2010) - Henry Torne

Wow, it's official, I've hit the 2010's in this project and I'm quickly coming to a close here with only about 15 movies to go including three of the best ones that will be in this filmography.  I'm guessing you can figure out which they are.

Working my way through Keanu's filmography, the next thing after "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee" is actually a "TV series" called "Easy to Assemble," where Keanu appeared in one episode.  Curious, I looked this show up and found that it's actually a little watched web series on Youtube starring Illeana Douglas where she plays herself working at an Ikea (in LA I'm assuming) in between acting gigs.  Apparently a fair amount of A and B list celebrities have shown up on this, even though some of the episodes of this have literally less than 5,000 views on Youtube.  

Interestingly, Ikea is apparently a producer for this show, which wouldn't be the first time they got involved with some very serious product placement.

Does anyone out there remember this?

I assure you this was a real thing

That's right, it was the very short lived TV show, "Cavemen," based on....yes, a series of Geico Insurance commercials.  I barely remember the show (but the mere fact that I remember it exists has probably pushed some other important information out of my brain) but I do remember that at least one of the cavemen in it in fact worked at an Ikea.

Keanu is actually credited for being in two episodes of "Easy to Assemble," but I found both of them and he doesn't appear in either one.  Weird.  Digging deeper, I actually found the clip that his IMDB must be referring to, even though it doesn't appear to be an official episode of "Easy to Assemble."  Instead, it's a very short "documentary" about the fictional Swedish band Sparhusen who do appear in one of the episodes Keanu is credited in.  Might be a bit of a real deep find here, but here is the video for your enjoyment (and for those on mobile who my embedding isn't working, a link below):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cby1CnLn5Io

I'm also pretty sure that's "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's" own Glenn Howerton featured there as well.  All weird shit if you ask me.

But hey, I didn't come here to write about a web series you've never heard of today, no I came to write about a movie you've never heard of, the 2010 romantic comedy (?) "Henry's Crime." 

Again, spoiler warning ahead.

So, I suppose "Henry's Crime" is a combination rom-com/heist movie but unfortunately for anyone watching it's pretty light on the "rom", non-existent on the "com" and the "heist" is formulaic, pointless, and boring.

The movie opens with Keanu as the titular Henry finishing his night shift working at toll booth in Buffalo, New York (not to be confused with all the other Buffalos you might have been thinking).  He heads home where he has breakfast with his wife Debbie, played by a severely underutilized Judy Greer.

Debbie and Henry start having a conversation about having children (she wants them, he seems far less interested) when they are interrupted by a knock at the door.  It's Henry's old friend (?) Eddie, played by Fisher Stevens and his puking friend Joe played by an actor that I only know from the 1999 movie "Whiteboyz" which you certainly do not need to see.  

Eddie tells Henry that they are on the way to a softball game but Joe is sick and they need someone to fill in to play 1st base.  Henry agrees and they head out.  I should mention here that Keanu's performance throughout the movie is....understated to say the least.  He doesn't seem to care much about anything at all and is basically just floating through his life and through this movie.  I should also mention that it's really unclear what Henry and Eddie's relationship is, other than that they knew each other from high school, because Henry's reaction to seeing Eddie isn't exactly friendly.  If some dude I randomly knew showed up at my house at 9 AM after I just worked an overnight shift at the toll booth asking me to go play softball I'd probably tell him to fuck himself, but I guess that's why I'm me and Keanu is Henry.

Wanna have a catch?

On the way to the game, Eddie tells Keanu to pull over at the bank so he can get beer money for after the game.  Eddie, Joe, and one other nameless guy in the car get out and go in the bank, but not before putting on masks and taking out guns.  Henry doesn't notice this but he does notice the wires hanging out from under the dash and realizes he's been driving around a stolen car (how it took the entire trip to the bank to notice this is another story for another time).  

Unfortunately for Henry, as he's unknowingly waiting outside as the getaway driver, a bank guard spots the suspicious looking Henry and stops him.  Henry is arrested and quickly sentenced to three years in prison for armed robbery because he's either too stupid or never bothers to give the accurate (if unlikely to be believed) reason that he was in that car in the first place.

I'm not sure if any of this is supposed to be funny or not but I can assure you, I laughed a total of zero times while watching any of this.

Henry goes to jail where he meets his cellmate Max, played by James Caan.  Max says he's in for life (even though he apparently has had several meetings with the parole board) and shows Keanu the ropes in the apparent low to medium security prison.  Six months go by and Judy Greer shows up to visit, telling Henry that she's fallen in love with someone else.  Henry, just like every other part of this movie, seems to not particularly care and she leaves her meeting with him on happy terms.  Later, in a scene very reminiscent of the much more entertaining movie "Blow" Max asks Eddie what his dream is.  Unlike Johnny Depp's cellmate in that other movie, Eddie apparently loves prison, calls it his home, and seemingly has found his dream but tries to "inspire" Henry to figure his own.

My dream is that this movie was 60 minutes shorter

Another year passes and Henry is let out of prison.  

Fuck, I'm only about 20 minutes into this 2 hour long movie, and I haven't even gotten into the "romance" part because that is not between Keanu and James Caan although that would probably have made a more interesting movie.  I'll try to condense the rest of this.

So Henry returns home where he finds out that Judy Greer's new "love" is Joe from the robbery.  Oh and she's pregnant.  Henry, again, genuinely tells her he's happy for her and he takes all of the stuff she's packed up for him and moves into an apartment, but not before Joe attempts to sell him on a MLM business selling "Japanese tupperware."  Joe also mispronounces the word "paradigm" as "para-dig-em" which I think was supposed to be a hilarious joke but like everything else in this movie fell completely flat.  You know, maybe "Whiteboyz" was a better movie than this....

Henry, with no job and no aim heads back to the bank with the supposed idea to rob it for real because back in prison Max had told him that he had already done  the time so he might as well do the crime, which of course makes zero sense because if Henry gets caught trying to rob the bank, for real this time, he's still going to go back to jail.  

However, on his was into the bank he is hit by a car that's driven by Vera Farmiga as Julie.  Don't worry, Henry is fine and Julie helps him to a cafe across the street, where Henry sees an article in an old newspaper hung in the bathroom about some secret tunnel that connects the bank directly to the theater where Julie is starring in the upcoming Chekov play, The Cherry Orchard.

So now Henry gets the idea to use this tunnel to rob the bank, because we've never seen this device used in any movie ever.  But because he's also an idiot, he goes back to visit Max in jail and convinces him to tell the parole board what they want to hear next time so he can be released and help Henry rob the bank.

Sure, whatever.

Max gets out of jail and meets up with Henry in Buffalo.  The two of them begin to case the bank, followed by an exploration of the theater where they learn the old tunnel connects directly to one of the dressing rooms.  Max then uses his "confidence man" (as he calls himself) skills to get one of the actors to quit the show and Henry steps in to fill his place because apparently the director of the play can't be bothered to hold auditions with you know, actual actors and not ex-toll booth operators.  Besides, Henry has started to date Julie and one of the things they do for fun is read lines together.

One quick aside - the director is played by the returning Keanu Project actor Peter Stormare, last seen as the devil in "Constantine" and he might be the only entertaining part of "Henry's Crime" as an overbearing, abusive play director.

Returning champion Peter Stormare

Because Henry is a total fucking moron, he tells Julie all about his plan to rob the bank.  Max and Henry have a ton of dirt to dig out and realize they need help, so they recruit Joe to do it with them because Henry apparently holds no grudges for being sent to jail for three years in part because of this guy.  It's fucking asinine.

One night after digging, Henry, Joe and Max are confronted by the same bank guard who had stopped the robbery 2 years ago, who tells them he knows what they are up to and guess what?  He wants in!

The guard also happens to have some good intel, like the fact that once every few months the vault (which conveniently is directly above their tunnel) is holding anywhere from ten to twelve million dollars.  It also just so happens that he's retiring and the last time this money will be in the vault is on the opening night of the play, oh no!

Henry gets into an argument with Julie because he's going to have to bail right after opening night because he'll have just robbed the bank.  Who could care?  It's around this time that Fisher Stevens as Eddie shows back up - it turns out that Joe is also an idiot and blabbed about the robbery to him and now Eddie wants in as well.

So opening night comes and Keanu gets on stage to do the play while Eddie, Joe, Max and the bank guard all conspire to steal all the money from the vault.  

I am completely unfamiliar with "The Cherry Orchard" but I can only imagine it's better than "Henry's Crime"

After Henry exits the stage, he heads down to the tunnel where in the least surprising move in this project so far, Eddie pulls a gun and turns on his accomplices, claiming he's going to take all the money for himself.  There's a joke somewhere here about "Chekov's Gun" but I'm too uninspired by this movie to bother trying to make it.

During an ensuing melee, Henry is shot in the leg but Eddie is incapacitated and tied up and thrown in the tunnel.  Henry, Joe and Max escape in a car but Henry tells Max to stop driving so he can return to the theater where he interrupts the closing scene, jumps on stage and tries to convince Julie that he loves her and to stay with him (or something along those lines, the entire sequence is very, very dumb).

And that's it, the movie ends.

Generally speaking, this is not a good movie.  There are some serious pacing issues as two hours felt closer to four, and perhaps that's because this supposed light hearted "rom-com" has absolutely no jokes in it that I could discern.  This whole thing feels like it was rushed into production and could have used for some real script punch-ups.  The performances in it are fine, although Henry's total lack of direction or caring about anything really start to grate after the first hour.  Keanu's chemistry with Vera Farmiga is the one (minor) bright spot in the movie although it's impossible to say why a woman with dreams of moving to Hollywood and making it big as an actress is doing Chekov plays in Buffalo and falling for a man whose biggest ambition seems to be robbing a medium-sized regional bank.  

It's sad because somewhere here there was a better movie.  Not a good movie mind you, but something better.

My scattered side-notes:

*This is at least the second movie I know of that features Fisher Stevens and a tunnel to rob a bank.  I'm pretty sure I even mentioned this other movie in the previous post, "Little Buddha."  That movie?  Well of course it's "Short Circuit 2."

Fisher Stevens - still not Indian

*A few other recognizable faces in this one including David Costabile who you might know best as Gale from "Breaking Bad."  He plays the actor who is tricked into quitting the show in a very questionable scheme we don't actually see on screen.  James Caan apparently tricks him into thinking he's gotten a starring role in Death of a Salesman in London.  I don't know how Costabile's character could think this is even possible, being a no name actor in Buffalo and being randomly called to star in a play across an ocean seems unrealistic at best but I'm also of the belief that all the characters in "Henry's Crime" are brain dead idiots.

*You might also recognize the bank guard Frank, played by Bill Duke, who I really only know from the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies "Predator" and "Commando" which are both, somehow, funnier than "Henry's Crime."

This guy.  No, not Jesse Ventura.  The other guy.

*I certainly know absolutely nothing about the Chekov play, The Cherry Orchard, but it's a major plot device used frequently in this movie.  I'm guessing that there are supposed to be some sort of parallels from the play to the movie but I don't know what, if any, they were supposed to be.  My guess is that the screenwriter tried to be clever but wherever it was is lost on me.  

Box Office Information: This movie made $100,000 on an unknown budget but I think it's safe to say it lost money.  It opened in a whopping two theaters and must have been seen by literally a couple of hundred people.  

Rotten Tomatoes: 41% Critic/25% Audience.  These both look about right to me.

My Movie Rating: 4/10.  It's just really sloppy and boring.  There are no jokes in this comedy, the tunneling into the bank has been done countless other times, all of which have been better than this.  That said, it's not unwatchable, I just wouldn't recommend it to anyone for any reason.  

IMDB: 6.0

Keanu Rating: 5/10.  He's just really bland in this but I blame the writing of his character for a lot of that.

Up Next: The 2012 movie "Generation Um..." Nope, not a clue what this is.