The Keanu Reeves Project - Knock Knock

KNOCK KNOCK (2015) - Evan

Oh to go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows....the Keanu Reeves project really is a roller coaster of emotions.  It's hard to even believe that the last post in this project was one of my favorite movies in "John Wick" only to have to immediately go to a rewatch of a movie that I hated the first time I saw it and certainly didn't like any better this second time around.

You'd think I would have learned my lesson in the first place and that this would be a first-time viewing for me of "Knock Knock."  For reasons I can't even explain I'd sat through not one, not two, but three Eli Roth movies prior to watching "Knock Knock" that first go-around. Those movies, in order of their dreadfulness were "Hostel Part 2" (which I inexplicably saw in the theater),"Cabin Fever," and "Hostel."  

And what do these movies all have in common?  

They're fucking terrible.

So it's even a surprise to me that one day back in 2016 while trying to determine what movie to put on to watch while hanging out alone in my home I settled on "Knock Knock."  I'm sure the presence of Keanu Reeves greatly impacted that decision but even so, I knew ahead of time it was an Eli Roth movie yet I guess I convinced myself that it couldn't be that bad.  Not with Keanu Reeves as the star, right?

Wow, was I wrong.

First, let me just start off by recognizing that Eli Roth is a bit of a polarizing figure in the movie industry.  He's got a bit of a cult following and some people morons really like his movies.  Other people Non-morons like me have for some reason sat through several of his movies and made the determination that he's a talentless hack.  

A few years ago I almost convinced myself to check out "The Green Inferno" before talking myself off the ledge.  What possible outcome could have come from that?  All Eli Roth knows is gore, and in and of itself there's nothing wrong with gore so long as it is part of you know, an actual engaging story. 

Anyway, as part of this project I am watching all Keanu Reeves movies, even the ones I've already seen before - in some cases that means many times over, which meant having to once again sit through 90 minutes of "Knock Knock."

Spoilers ahead but please believe me when I tell you to never watch this movie.

This is going to be a pretty short recap because this movie is worthless and barely anything happens.

The movie opens with Keanu Reeves as Evan in bed with his wife Karen.  Their kids come in and we learn it's father's day and the kids apparently made him a cake.  I do want to note that the children in this movie are dreadful performers and in the very limited time they were on screen I was really hoping Eli Roth would do something worthwhile for once and have them violently murdered.  But no such luck here.

These two fuckos are very much in the running for worst performers of any Keanu movie

For some reason, the whole family save for Keanu are going away for the weekend, leaving him the run of the house.  He must be happy as a pig in shit because his whole family is absolutely garbage.  Keanu channels his inner "Lake House" for this movie as he's playing an architect again and with his family gone for a few nights he's happy because he can smoke a little weed and get some work done.  His wife is an artist and has some sculptures she's working on around the house and for SOME REASON there are pictures of the entire family EVERYWHERE.  Seriously, it hurt my eyes.  You can even see a few of them in the background from the screenshot above.  Who the fuck keeps this many pictures of their kids around the house?  

Also as a side note - how many goddamn architects are there in America?  This has got to be one of the most overused occupations in movies right next to ad executive (also a role Keanu has played in "Sweet November").  I won't run through the list, but trust me when I say it's extensive.

Anyway, it's raining out and there's a knock at the door, Keanu answers and is greeted by two dripping wet girls, "Genesis" and "Bell" played by Lorenza Izzo (who is real life married to Eli Roth, so she must have a pretty incredible tolerance for idiocy) and Ana de Armas (who I only know from this movie as well as the infinitely better "Knives Out" where she is wonderful).  They tell Keanu that they got lost on the way to a party and he invites them in while they wait for an Uber that Keanu has graciously called for them because as mentioned, they have no phone.

Hello, ladies

I should note, I knew that sitting through this movie for a second time was going to be an absolute chore so I had several drinks before, during and after watching this.  Before drinks to prep myself, during drinks to keep myself occupied with something other than solely focusing on the movie, and after drinks to erase this from my brain.  As such, my notes became, let's just say, less and less coherent throughout the course of the movie (eventually devolving into various forms of me writing "please let this end") so maybe some of my questions actually were explained at one point.  Questions like, "why did Keanu's family go away for a few days in the first place," "why don't either one of these women have phones?" and "are these the worst two child actors in movie history?"

So the three of them sit around Keanu's living room, he brings them towels and talks about how he used to be a DJ but the two women quickly turn the conversation to sex and start attempting to seduce Keanu, but he's really not having any of it.  He continues to try to change the subject but they can't stop talking about how hot Keanu is and how they love to have threesomes.  Eventually, the Uber shows up but when Keanu tries to find the women to get them out of the house, they're naked in his bathroom and coerce him into a threesome.

Talk to the hand

You'd think this might sound interesting but I assure you it is not.

The next morning (because sure, they sleep over), the two of them are absolutely manic and basically destroy Keanu's kitchen and refuse to leave.  He starts getting more and more angry with them and eventually he tosses them out of the house.  But that night, he hears a loud noise and discovers that the two of them are back and they've broken into the house.  They knock Keanu out and tie him to the bed, and film themselves raping him and it's all really terrible.  Not in the sense that Keanu is being raped, although yes that's terrible, but in the sense that this movie is absolute trash.  Then they tie him to a chair and makes him play various games and it's all just just an exercise in how to not make a movie.

I too felt like a hostage in my own home at this point

At one point they also tell Keanu that they're actually underage (I don't see how this could even be possible) and they tell him that this is all retribution for him taking advantage of minors.  There's a lot of conversation about Keanu being a pedophile and if you've been watching this as a viewer and made it this far into the movie, you deserve some kind of award.  Genesis takes off and makes herself look like the joker and god I hate this movie.

Do you want to see a magic trick?

At some point, Louis, a friend of Keanu's and one of the only other characters in this movie, shows up and sees what's going on.  In an awfully written and delivered line, Keanu shouts at his friend, "Be careful Louis, they're crazy!"  And in an awfully written and delivered line Louis replies "I'm from Oakland, I know two ghetto ass hoes when I see them!"  A real line from this movie.

Kill me.

Louis tries to get away from the women, who have completely trashed the house by this point including all of Keanu's wife's artwork, and in the process trips and falls, breaking his own neck and dying in the process.

The next morning they drag Keanu out to his backyard where they've dug a grave and they roll him into it and start to bury him alive leaving just his head exposed with the rest of him under a pile of dirt.  Keanu begs for his life and the women tell Evan that he was just a game and that they thought he'd be the first guy to say no to them.  Before leaving, they post the video of him being raped to his Facebook page (it's impossible to tell from the video that this is not a consensual act), steal his dog, and leave the house.

Don't worry Keanu, we're almost to the finish line

I'm amazed I haven't ripped my own eyeballs out by this point.  Keanu screams as he can't reach the phone to delete the video and as the movie ends we see his family return home where his son says, " Daddy had a party!"

The end.

As for my scattered thoughts:

*I honestly don't know how anyone funds Eli Roth, especially after this abomination.  At least his earlier "work" if you can call it that had a modicum of substance (even that is generous).  This is just a blob of nothing.  I feel like Eli Roth was trying to do his own take on "Funny Games," yet another movie infinitely better than "Knock Knock" yet he lacks any understanding on what makes that a good movie.  Things like tension, suspense, character development, etc.  Genesis and Bell are just two manic psychopaths that contribute zero to this movie.  Do you like movies about people terrorizing innocents for no reason?  Go watch "Funny Games."  

*Despite the above note, this movie was actually inspired by a 1977 grind house movie called "Death Game," and no, I will not be watching that. 

*Um, how awkward and uncomfortable to film a sex scene with the director's real life wife?  No thanks.  Keanu actually discussed this on an episode of Kimmel, where he's clearly unaware of how impossible it was to promote this movie.  I really do feel like this whole thing was an excuse to get Ana de Armas to take her clothes off on camera.  The clip of Keanu describing the sex scene is embedded here:

*If I didn't know any better I'd have assumed this was written and directed by some incel from the depths of the internet because this entire movie appears to come from that sort of mindset.  Women are only good for sex and they're all crazy!

*I lost track of how many times the words "knock knock" were actually spoken aloud during this but I know it's several.  That's never a good sign.

*This movie features one of the worst monologues of this project so far that it rivals the $10,000 hooker speech from "Johnny Mnemonic."  The "Free Pizza" monologue is just so poorly written and delivered by Keanu and embedded here for your viewing pleasure.  But I'll warn you in advance, you're not getting these two minutes of your life back.

I have nothing left to say, this movie is fucking rotten.

Box Office Information: I am guessing this went straight to streaming because this movie made $36,000 domestically and $6 million international.  That sounds about right.

Rotten Tomatoes: 37% Critic/21% Audience.  These scores, once again are far, far too high.

IMDB: 4.9

My Movie Rating: 2/10.  Just an abysmal waste of time and I don't even want to spend more of my life writing words about this.

Keanu Rating: 3/10.  Did you watch the monologue above?  I've watched nearly 50 Keanu movies so far and for the life of me I do not understand how he chooses his projects.  Like....why Keanu?  Why did you agree to this?  WHY?

Up Next: The 2016 movie, "Exposed."  Never heard of it and by now I've come to realize that's not a good sign....