Wow, this post really deserves a better title, that's just a tad bit confusing. Whatever.
Hey, did you miss recaps Part 1 and Part 2? Cool, feel free to check them out. This post will cover the BIG Keanu awards (and a few others) and will also mark the very last post of the Keanu Reeves Project and possibly the last time I ever update this stupid blog. Or at least until I find something else to write about. And with that intro, let's get to part 2 of the first (and only) Keanu Awards.
WORST MONOLOGUE AKA The I Don't Know Why My Videos Aren't Embedding on Mobile Properly Anymore Award
Nominees
*Al Pacino rants and raves for nearly 30 minutes at the end of Devil's Advocate - HOLY SHIT this goes on FOR FUCKING EVER. And sure, why not? He spends the previous two hours of this movie eating scenery and acting like a general fuckhead so why not give him carte blanche to keep it up unnecessarily for the final act of the movie. Sorry, can't embed this as it's nearly 30 minutes long and unavailable.
*Johnny Mnemonic wants room service - Keanu rants about his previous life and all the things he wants while trying to deliver all the data in his head. It's just one more piece of bad acting in an already horribly acted film.
*Diane Keaton cries in montage for three minutes in Something's Gotta Give - If you've been reading these posts and specifically these recaps then you probably already know my feelings towards this movie. But in a movie full of stupidity, this scene really knocks it out of the park in just how much I felt pure antipathy for these few minutes. Perhaps this doesn't qualify as a "monologue" but fuck you this is my awards ceremony.
*Keanu thought he was just getting Free Pizza in Knock Knock - In another movie full of atrocious acting by everyone involved, this monologue made me physically cringe. Keanu, my man, what the actual fuck?
*Keanu has a new ad campaign for hot dogs in Sweet November - It's a hot dog! It's a hot dog! It's a hot dog!
*Jones explains his nefarious plot in Replicas (video unavailable) - Up until the final act, Jones just appeared as a man who definitely didn't seem like he was the head of a highly advanced biotech company but he explains exactly why to Keanu in this monologue. "My name isn't even Jones!" Ugh.
*Forest Whitaker explains his nefarious plot in Street Kings - I just really hate when the bad guy comes clean James Bond style about all their evil plans, and for an actor as prolific as Forest Whitaker this comes across as super cheesy and incredibly stupid. Sorry for the potato like quality of the only video of this I could find.
And the Keanu goes to...
Diane Keaton. I can't let Nancy Meyers get away with the atrocity that was this movie without giving her a "worst of" award.
BEST NON-KEANU COMEDIC PERFORMANCE (Male)
Nominees
*Peter Stormare - Henry's Crime - He plays an over-the-top theater director really well, plus I wanted to make sure this guy gets nominated for SOMETHING given how frequently he shows up in Keanu's filmography.
*Jon Favreau - The Replacements - He's a crazed linebacker and the funniest person in this entire movie.
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| You've got a little something on your face |
*Robert Downey Jr. - A Scanner Darkly - An absolute genius performance in this, incredibly funny.
*Steve Martin - Parenthood - Oh, you mean comedy legend Steve Martin was good in a movie? Shocking.
*William Sadler - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - Basically steals this movie playing Death.
*Alex Winter - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure/Bill and Ted Face the Music - He's just so good in these movies, but special recognition for his reprisal of his role 30 years later. I still can't get over how good he is in Face the Music.
And the Keanu goes to...
Robert Downey Jr. So the movie is not a comedy but his performance in this is mainly for comedic value and he completely steals every scene he's in. If you haven't seen a Scanner Darkly and are a fan of RDJ in general, I strongly recommend checking it out. Sorry Alex Winter, you were a very close runner-up.
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| Rotoscoped RDJ |
BEST NON-KEANU DRAMATIC PERFORMANCE
Nominees
*Michael Nyvquist - John Wick - Also previously nominated for best villain, but again, he's just absolutely wonderful in this movie.
*Anthony Hopkins - Dracula - When does Anthony Hopkins disappoint in anything he's in? He delivers the movie's best lines.
*Hugo Weaving - The Matrix - Already nominated him for best villain previously, but he deserves the double nomination here.
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| I can even hear his bones cracking just from this image |
*Patrick Swayze - Point Break - Do you believe him as a hippy bank robbing surfer? I do.
*Peter Stormare - Constantine - Hey, two acting nominations for Peter Stormare, this time as the devil. Unfortunately he's only in this movie for a few minutes.
*Giovanni Ribisi - The Gift - I just think this guy is really good at playing various weirdos. Not an exception in this one.
*Anthony Quinn - A Walk in the Clouds - Oh, you mean the four time Oscar nominee and two time winner gave an excellent performance in this movie?
AND THE KEANU GOES TO...
Anthony Quinn. I mentioned it in the post for the movie but I hate to admit that I'm unfamiliar with most of his work, particularly when he was winning Oscars when he was a much younger man, but it's obvious how talented he is when watching this movie.
BEST NON KEANU PERFORMANCE (FEMALE) AKA The "I swear I'm not a misogynist but there just aren't very many comedic female performances to choose from in this filmography to break this into two awards" award
Nominees
*Lily Collins - To the Bone - I'm not really familiar with this actress but she delivers on a really difficult role playing a young woman suffering from anorexia.
*Tilda Swinton - Constantine - Plays an angel with unclear intentions. It's Tilda Swinton, what isn't she good in?
*Tilda Swinton - Thumbsucker - It's Tilda Swinton, what isn't she good in?
*Sandra Bullock - Speed - Her breakout role that launched her career.
*Ana De Armas - Exposed - This movie big time sucks but this was not the fault of Ana De Armas who is actually very good in this, just a shame this isn't a better movie.
*Cameron Diaz - Feeling Minnesota - Another good performance in another terrible movie. Cameron Diaz is quite charming in this movie and is one of the only reasons I didn't give it a much lower movie score.
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| I promise this nomination is for her performance and not her looks |
*Robin Wright - The Private Lives of Pippa Lee - Gives an outstanding performance in an otherwise forgettable movie.
*Charlize Theron - The Devil's Advocate - She goes from happy, young wife to crazed lunatic over the course of about two hours and all in all, it's pretty good. Dare I say she's the best part of this movie?
And the Keanu goes to...
Lily Collins. I don't know if I'd really recommend the movie to most people but she's really excellent in the movie. Close second is Robin Wright but Pippa Lee is just too meandering to allow me to award it for anything.
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| Congrats Lily, a prestigious award from a blog that nobody reads |
WORST SCENE NOT FEATURING KEANU
*Girls talk about absolutely nothing for seemingly forever in their apartment - Generation Um...- It was hard to pick out just one scene in this movie for this award, but here you go.
*James Spader passes out in his fridge - The Watcher - I mean, it's hilarious and everything but I don't think that's the reaction the filmmakers were going for here.
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| Will you please excuse me? I've got a fridge to fall asleep in. |
*The world's worst doctor gives Uma Thurman some news - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - Once again, it was hard to pick out just one scene from this abysmal movie but this part is just so poorly acted that it stands out above the rest.
*Cameron Diaz is raped (off-screen) - Feeling Minnesota - I really hated this, particularly because the movie doesn't really seem to understand the implications of what's happening off-screen in what is presumably supposed to be a romantic comedy.
*Warehouse gymnastics - Flying - Stereotype black actor is forced to watch Olivia D'abo do gymnastics all over the warehouse he's supposed to be guarding and is later fired for it.
*Diane Keaton cries for three minutes - Something's Gotta Give - Yep, that's here once again. That's how much I hate this part of this wretched movie.
*Every scene Crispin Glover is in - River's Edge - You just have to sort of see it for yourself.
AND THE KEANU GOES TO...
Cameron Diaz is raped off-camera. It really upset me how little this movie seems to be aware of what they're presenting the viewer with off-camera as Cameron Diaz keeps repeating "no" over and over as she's raped by the husband she was forced to marry. The light-hearted music that plays over this doesn't help matters.
BEST SCENE NOT FEATURING KEANU
Nominees
*Keanu's alien robot releases the nanobots that are going to destroy Earth - The Day the Earth Stood Still - Yeah, this movie isn't great but this scene is pretty cool and the effects are pretty fun. Plus, we get to see Giants Stadium get destroyed!
*Monica Bellucci commits suicide at lunch - Private Lives of Pippa Lee - Well this certainly came out of nowhere.
*Tiger Chen fight montage - Man of Tai Chi - Really well choreographed fight sequence that allows Tiger Chen to show off, big time.
*Common has an exit interview - A Happening of Monumental Proportions - Kumail Nanjiani is the HR rep responsible for Common's exit interview after being unceremoniously fired and it's hilarious.
*Robert Downey Jr. Makes a "silencer" - A Scanner Darkly - One of several hilarious sequences featuring RDJ.
*Captain Logan does his best impression of Ted - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - The single funniest part of the movie, an amazingly funny and accurate impression of Ted.
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| I totally possessed my dad! |
And the Keanu goes to...
Common's exit interview. Kumail and Common have confusingly fun energy working off one another and this scene happens to be extremely funny and the best part of the movie.
WORST SCENE FEATURING KEANU
Nominees
*Every single musical sequence - Babes in Toyland - KILL ME.
*Keanu eats a muffin - Generation Um... - Previously mentioned in my last post, a complete waste of time.
*Keanu dances around to Dragula - The Watcher - I think this is supposed to be scary but it comes off as very, very stupid.
*Keanu has a panic attack - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - Keanu is on screen for about two minutes in this movie, in which he has a panic attack and collapses on the ground. It's awful.
*Keanu is tortured by two maniacs - Knock Knock - Well I embedded his monologue above, but there's a lot more to this scene than just that, including Keanu being "tortured" by being forced to listen to really loud music. It's worse than it sounds.
*Abner has a boat race - Sweet November - Keanu helps the neighborhood latchkey kid win a remote control boat race and it's pure idiocy.
*The Battle for Zion - The Matrix Revolutions - I'm not sure this qualifies as a scene because it's literally half the movie but it's basically 60 minutes of CGI garbage. Seriously hard to watch.
*Robot Keanu goes on a killing spree - Replicas - LAUGHABLY STUPID. Particularly when Robot Keanu starts to choke Jones to death.
*Fake me out murder scene - Tune in Tomorrow - a light hearted comedy decides to throw in a very serious murder scene at the end of the movie that turns out to be a dream sequence. Just bad.
*End sequence - Henry's Crime - Keanu abandons his buddies and the millions of dollars he's just stolen to help finish the play he's in and the movie basically just stops.
*Keanu beats himself up - Hardball - Keanu smashes his head through a glass window (this should really just kill him) in order to escape some gambling debts. Woof.
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| Seconds away from smashing his head through glass. Genius move. |
*Keanu gives a speech about literal shit - The Bad Batch - One of the only scenes in the movie that truly feature Keanu is him giving a talk about how he's responsible for cleaning up all the shit in the town everyone lives in. Unquestionably terrible.
*The Merovingian gets a lady off through magic - The Matrix Reloaded - Seriously, what the fuck is this shit and what is it doing in this movie?
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| Picture posted solely for the Merovingian. I didn't even notice Monica Bellucci. |
*Keanu fights 1,000 Agent Smiths - The Matrix Reloaded - This quickly devolves into another CGI mess and looks completely cartoonish.
*Surprise Pirates of the Caribbean sequence - 47 Ronin - The movie is mainly about mystic shit in feudal Japan but takes a 10 minute detour to a very strange scene that looks like it came from a certain Johnny Depp franchise.
And the Keanu goes to...
Keanu dances to Dragula. Think about what creep dude Buffalo Bill is in Silence of the lambs while he's dancing around with his tucked-in dick. Now picture the exact opposite and you've got this dance scene. Video embedded below.
BEST SCENE FEATURING KEANU (Action sequences excluded)
*Keanu gets drunk with grandpa - A Walk in the Clouds - An honestly charming scene with Keanu and Anthon Quinn
*Harlon and Marlon try to kill a man - I Love You to Death - The funniest part of this movie features Keanu Reeves trying to figure out how to kill a guy and involves him saying the pledge of allegiance in order to figure out which side of the body the heart is on.
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| I pledge allegiance... |
*Keanu is on "drugs" at the club - The Night Before - I love that he's been slipped generic "drugs" and it causes him to dance around and act like an idiot all while George Clinton and Parliament play in the background.
*Giovanni Ribisi loses his shit on Keanu - The Gift - Keanu starts fucking with the fortune teller's kid before Giovanni Ribisi decides he's not going to put up with it.
*Keanu runs to the graveyard - Under the Influence - Dramatic sequence in this made for TV movie had me legitimately scared this was going to end in a suicide.
*Keanu ascends to heaven but is pulled back to Earth - Constantine - So good just for the double middle fingers he gives to the devil before being dragged back down.
*Bill and Ted play board games with Death - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - The second funniest part of the movie had Bill and Ted play against Death in Twister, Clue, Electric Football and Battleship, a wonderful spoof of the Seventh Seal.
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| Right foot blue |
*Bill and Ted give their presentation - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - The duo's adventure through time concludes with a most triumphant presentation. Why are they allowed to present together? When did they have time to prepare for this (given that the clock in San Dimas is always ticking)? Who cares, this scene is radical, dude!
*Bill and Ted play the song that saves the world - Bill and Ted Face the Music - Already wrote about this one before but it's a great way to end the trilogy.
*Keanu drives drunk and nearly kills his dead friend's brother - Permanent Record - the most dramatic part of this movie is one of the best pieces of acting in Keanu's career.
*Leaving notes for burglars - A Scanner Darkly - Keanu, Robert Downey Jr and Woody Harrelson discuss the benefits of leaving notes on their front door for potential burglars. It's a lot of drugged out paranoia talk (much like the rest of the movie) and it's all very funny.
*Bus jump - Speed - The most thrilling part of the movie, completely ludicrous but just so good.
And the Keanu goes to...
Bill and Ted's presentation. I've probably seen this a few hundred times and it never gets old.
WORST ACTOR (NON KEANU)
Nominees
Chris Isaac - Little Buddha - The most wooden performance I might have ever seen in a major motion picture. Who did he blackmail to get put in this??
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| An actual real life photo of Chris Isaac in Little Buddha |
James Spader - The Watcher - I'm not sure if someone forged his signature to appear in this as well but I hope that's also his excuse.
Everyone - Babes in Toyland - Honestly one of the worst and most irredeemable movies I've ever seen.
Everyone - Johnny Mnemonic - It would be impossible for me to single out whoever is worst in this movie. Ice T? Beat Takeshi? Dolph Lundgren? The cybernetic dolphin named Jones? Take your pick.
And the Keanu goes to...
Chris Isaac. Honestly, I almost didn't nominate anyone else. At least in Johnny Mnemonic everyone is comically bad. Chris Isaac felt like he needed to take human lessons in this one.
WORST KEANU PERFORMANCE
Nominees
*The Watcher - You might have noticed that this movie has appeared in a lot of "worst" of categories so far. Yeah, there's a reason for that.
*Johnny Mnemonic - Again, everyone in this movie, Keanu included, is fucking dreadful.
*Dangerous Liasons - Just horribly miscast, but at least he's not in the movie for long.
*Knock Knock - Keanu might be the most unbelievable when he's attempting to portray himself as a happy family man. It just doesn't fit.
*Replicas - Same thing as Knock Knock, but a tiny bit better in this one.
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| Boot the mapping sequence! |
And the Keanu goes to...
The Watcher. Someone better call AT&T because Keanu really phoned this one in. What's worse is that this doesn't even fall into the 'so bad it's good' category because it's just plain unwatchable.
BEST KEANU PERFORMANCE
Nominees
*I Love You to Death - Sorry but he's standout good in an otherwise mediocre movie.
*The Gift - Genuinely his scariest performance to date.
*Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey - Yes way, Ted!
*John Wick Trilogy - Can't even imagine this movie starring anyone else.
*A Happening of Monumental Proportions - Only in the movie for about four minutes, but hilarious.
*The Neon Demon - Only in the movie for about four minutes, but super creepy.
*Thumbsucker - Hippy, new-age dentist Keanu.
And the Keanu goes to...
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Come on, without this movie I don't think Keanu would be where he is today.
WORST MOVIE
Before the nominations a quick note - Yes, I've already made my ultimate movie list rankings, but those were specifically for movies I'd rather watch than the ones next to it, so just because my number 59 movie was technically my least favorite, it doesn't necessarily mean it's the actual worst movie. Get it? I'm also excluding made for TV movies IE Babes in Toyland for this.
Nominees
*Generation Um... - This movie is impossibly bad. It was so bad that it looks like nobody involved went on to make anything else, which is probably for the best.
*Sweet November - Between Charlize Theron playing the most annoying love interest of any movie I can remember watching, the horribly obnoxious neighborhood latchkey kid and the nonsensical story, this movie is a dumpster fire.
*Knock Knock - Have I mentioned that Eli Roth is a complete and utter hack? How is this guy still allowed to make movies? Why did Keanu agree to this?
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| This photo might make you think this is a movie you'd be interested in watching. Think again. |
*The Watcher - I'm running out of synonyms for the word terrible at this point, but you can take all of them and use it to describe this movie.
*Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - Uma Thurman has giant thumbs and meets a lot of random weirdos and a 90 minute movie manages to feel four hours long.
And the Keanu goes to...
Generation Um...I could make an argument for any of these movies to take this prize as they are all terrible, but Generation Um...is a special kind of terrible. It meanders and pretends to be artsy when it's anything but. Just a complete waste of time.
BEST MOVIE
Same as above, Best Movie isn't necessarily my favorite movie but yeah, it's still pretty close.
Nominees
*Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - It's wild to me that this movie from 1989 still holds up over 30 years later, except of course for the fact that anyone under the age of 25 probably has no idea what a phone booth is.
*John Wick - The first movie is a masterpiece in world building and storytelling.
*John Wick - Parabellum - The third movie is a masterpiece in fight choreography and set pieces. And it just looks beautiful.
*The Matrix - I feel like the first movie was a revelation in special effects the same was Terminator 2 was 10 years beforehand. It's also a really cool story that has been ripped off time and time again since its release.
And the Keanu goes to...
John Wick. Yes, if I was playing desert island and I could only choose one movie to watch for the rest of my life it would probably be a toss-up between Excellent Adventure and Parabellum but from a pure "this is the best movie" standpoint, it's gotta be John Wick. The movie is a goddamn work of art. Between the world building and the action sequences it's remarkable what Chad Stahelski was able to accomplish on a pretty limited budget.
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| Best movie ever? |
And that's it. That's the end.
For all three people who have been reading this project, I'd like to thank you for sticking around and reading what must now be 50,000+ words on this stupid blog. And hey, I've got a surprise post coming up next on what's next for me...
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