It's over.
I started the Keanu Reeves Project almost exactly six months ago as a creative outlet to exercise my non-existent writing ability as well as a way to pass some time while the responsible ones of us continue to avoid just about any human contact while we continue to deal with the ongoing pandemic. For 25 years, I've proclaimed my love for Keanu Reeves despite the fact that I hadn't seen MANY of his movies.
Well, that's all history now as I've watched every movie Keanu has been in with just a few small exceptions that I'll explain why not momentarily. I plan on using this recap part 1 to provide my final rankings, and write down some interesting and not so interesting statistics and facts.
First, let's get to my final rankings as compiled through the "My Movie Rating" from every post. To be clear, I'm having to make a few edits as these final rankings reflect movies I would choose to watch over another. So for instance, while I gave "Replicas" a 3 because it's a dreadful movie, this list will have it rated higher than "My Own Private Idaho," because while "Idaho" is technically a better movie, I'd still rather sit through the idiocy of "Replicas" than be bored to death with another watch of "Idaho." Here we go:
THE "I DIDN'T WATCH THIS" CATEGORY
N/A - The Spongebob Movie - Didn't watch, Keanu appears as a brief cameo only.
N/A - Between Two Ferns - Didn't watch, Keanu appears as a brief cameo only.
N/A - Toy Story 4 - Didn't watch, voiceover only but I'll watch this movie some day.
N/A - Always be my Maybe - Didn't watch - Keanu's brief cameo while hilarious, didn't justify a full viewing.
N/A - Ellie Parker - Didn't watch, Keanu's band Dogstar is in this movie for a moment and Keanu doesn't speak.
N/A - Me and Will - Didn't watch, Keanu's band Dogstar also makes a brief appearance in this and Keanu doesn't speak.
N/A - Much Ado About Nothing - I only watched 30ish minutes of this and couldn't finish because of my undying hatred for all things Shakespeare. I probably should have just powered through this but I just couldn't.
N/A - Providence - I would have watched this but this movie has literally been erased from history and is unavailable to watch anywhere, both legal or otherwise. If I ever meet Keanu Reeves, the first question I'll have of him is "what the hell happened to this movie?"
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| The only still available on the internet of Providence looks like the Zapruder Film |
UNWATCHABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
59 - Babes In Toyland - Unwatchable made for TV garbage, stay away at all costs, but if you do happen to watch it (don't) definitely don't do the 2.5 hour director's cut like I did.
58 - Generation Um...- Feels like a student project...from a failing student with severe learning disabilities.
57 - Knock Knock - Eli Roth garbage that can only be enjoyed by Men's Rights activists and incels.
56 - Sweet November - Nonsensical terminal romance garbage that made me somehow hate Charlize Theron.
55 - The Watcher - Keanu is a very non-menacing serial killer and this movie nearly killed his career.
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| And it shows! |
54 - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - A horrible adaptation of what I'm guessing is also pretty shitty source material.
53 - The Matrix Revolutions - Basically two hours of CGI garbage, shockingly terrible.
BAD, BORING, AND JUST PLAIN STUPID
52 - Exposed - Murdered by the studio in the editing room, not that the original movie was much better and I would know since I watched the director's cut too.
51 - Something's Gotta Give - A movie not made with me in mind and that's just fine, but it's also just horrendous and Diane Keaton's character is a wretched human being presented as a hero for some reason.
50 - Feeling Minnesota - More like Feeling Like Turning This Off, am I right?
49 - Dracula - Not scary, but very slow and boring.
48 - My Own Private Idaho - More Gus Van Sant boring tediousness.
47 - Flying - Teen drama schlock.
46 - Siberia - Watch Keanu have sex a lot with an actress he has zero chemistry with. Also, diamonds!
45 - Little Buddha - Keanu in brownface! Two and half very boring hours and Chris Isaac is a wooden post.
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| Simply embarrassing |
44 - The Bad Batch - Drugs and cannibals in a dystopic wasteland that a bunch of people went out of their way to somehow turn completely dull.
43 - Tune In Tomorrow - Romantic comedy featuring Peter Falk in a LOT of costumes, still not good.
42 - The Prince of Pennsylvania - One funny moment in 90 minutes is not a great ratio for a comedy. At least it's short!
41 - River's Edge - Apathetic teens in the 80's don't care their friend is a murderer. Have fun watching Crispin Glover be a huge weirdo for two hours.
40 - Henry's Crime - Somewhere there's a half-decent movie in here if someone bothered to rewrite this romantic-ish comedy with actual jokes.
GETTING BETTER BUT YOU STILL REALLY SHOULDN'T WATCH THESE
39 - Hardball - How DARE you try to make me feel sad after almost two hours of bullshit. And what's with the fake me out romance with Diane Lane that goes nowhere? Waste of time.
38 - Devil's Advocate - A two and a half hour movie that feels twice as long, hope you enjoy Al Pacino chewing the scenery and bad accents from Keanu. A lot of people like this movie. A lot of people are morons.
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| My feelings exactly, Keanu |
37 - Brotherhood of Justice - Surprisingly watchable made for TV movie.
36 - The Private Lives of Pippa Lee - Slow but saved in part by a great performance by Robin Wright.
35 - The Day the Earth Stood Still - Mediocre remake of 50's movie nobody asked for.
34 - Destination Wedding - Watch Keanu and Wynona snipe at each other for 45 minutes before, duh, falling in love.
33 - The Lake House - Time traveling love story with A LOT of plot holes.
32 - Street Kings - Have you seen "Training Day?" Yeah, it's like that except shitty.
FUNNY BAD UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES AND INTOXICATION LEVEL
31 - Replicas - Very, very, very stupid but mildly entertaining in a 'this movie is comically bad' sort of way.
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| It's in the computer? |
30 - Johnny Mnemonic - Cyberpunk action movie featuring some of the worst acting of this entire project.
BORDERLINE WATCHABLE
29 - The Neon Demon - Strange fever dream of a movie about modeling that will bash your skull with overt symbolism.
28 - Chain Reaction - Direct rip-off of "The Fugitive" that features literally 20+ actors that appear in both. Sorry, no Tommy Lee Jones though.
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Shit sorry, wrong movie....
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27 - The Whole Truth - Legal procedural with some obvious and not so obvious twists.
26 - The Matrix Reloaded - Almost entirely saved from a much lower rating by the highway scene.
25 - The Replacements - Almost funny but just misses the mark time and time again. And the second movie where Keanu plays a quarterback.
24 - 47 Ronin - An action movie that's missing any action.
23 - A Walk in the Clouds - Not terrible romance.
22 - I Love you To Death - Stupid movie with a handful of funny moments. Keanu doesn't feature prominently but when he's there he's great!
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| Best haircut |
21 - Dangerous Liasons - Very clearly a stage play adapted to the screen, a bit slow with zero likable characters but really good performances by the leads.
LIGHT RECOMMENDS
20 - To the Bone - Trigger warning for those with eating disorders.
19 - The Night Before - 80's teen movie that would be impossible to make today, but not without a handful of mildly funny Keanu moments
18 - The Gift - Sam Raimi horror-ish move, Keanu is legitimately scary.
16 - Under the Influence - Okay, there's no reason a made for TV movie from the 80's belongs here but it's a surprisingly good movie about alcohol abuse even if it gets just a bit too preachy at parts. Probably the most controversial placement on this whole list but fuck you, this is my project.
15 - Constantine - I've never been a fan of comic book movies but this one is kinda fun. I still don't like that house cats are used as gateways to Hell but hey, what can you do.
14 - A Happening of Monumental Proportions - Heavily panned ensemble comedy, but a very easy watch with a lot of laugh out loud moments from me.
13 - Thumbsucker - Indie coming-of-age movie with a lot of recognizable faces.
12 - Permanent Record - My new go-to movie when people tell me Keanu is a bad actor.
11 - A Scanner Darkly - Really great Phillip K Dick adaptation, Robert Downey Jr. steals the show.
10 - Man of Tai Chi - Keanu's only director credit, some cool action sequences
STRONG RECOMMENDS AKA THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET TOUGH
9 - Speed - Keanu as a supercop, great chemistry with Sandra Bullock and a great villain in Dennis Hopper.
8 - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - The "worst" of the trilogy but I grew up on this movie and I still love it.
7 - Point Break - Surfing, skydiving, bank robberies and Anthony Keidis.
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| Surfs up, brah! |
6 - Bill and Ted Face the Music - I am still blown away at how much they DIDN'T fuck this movie up.
A LIST OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME
5 - John Wick: Chapter 2 - The "least best" of the trilogy is still one of the best action movies of the last 20 years.
4 - The Matrix - This movie was revolutionary when it came out and still mostly holds up.
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| Keanu is definitely The One |
3 - John Wick - The origin story of the Baba Yaga only beats chapter 2 due to the initial creativity and world building that even allowed for a great sequel in the first place.
2 - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - Conservatively speaking, I've seen this movie 200 times.
1 - John Wick: Parabellum - The best domestic action movie ever made through 2019?
Hey, and how about some fun statistics and facts?
Cumulative run-time of Keanu Reeves' movies I've watched: 110 hours and six minutes. And this doesn't count the fact that I watched two different versions of the movie "Exposed" as well as John Wick 2 with and without commentary.
Average Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score: 51%
Average Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score: 57%
Highest RT scores: Speed (94), Dangerous Liasons (93), Parenthood (91), Much Ado About Nothing (90), John Wick Parabellum (90)
Lowest RT scores: Generation Um...(0), Exposed (8), The Watcher (10), Replicas (11), Siberia (12)
Number of movies with a RT score under 20: 12
Number of movies with a RT score above 80: 12
Average IMDB Score: 6.3
My average movie score: 5.3
My average Keanu score: 6.3
Approximate domestic box office adjusted (please note this information was not available for all movies but this is close enough): $3.16 Billion
Approximate worldwide box office (unadjusted): $4.7 Billion
Highest Grossing Movie: The Matrix Reloaded
Number of trilogies: 3
Number of dead dogs: 4
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| A picture of a live dog |
Number of Keanu movies I'd already seen: 17
My average score of Keanu Movies I'd already seen: 7.6
Number of "new to me" movies: 42
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| New to me for a reason |
My average score of "new to me" Keanu movies: 4.4
Score difference of movies I've seen versus movies I hadn't: 3.2
Number of Keanu movies I had watched in a theater during an original run: 8
A sample of various Keanu on-screen occupations: Cop/Detective/FBI Agent (5x), Lawyer (3x), Doctor (2x), Science Guy (2x), Serial Killer, Hacker, Assassin, Cult Leader, Architect, Demon Hunter, Tollbooth Operator
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| Is demon hunter an occupation? |
Number of times Keanu has traveled to heaven: 1.5 (Bogus Journey + a half point for starting to go there in Constantine)
Number of times Keanu has traveled to hell: 3.5 (Bogus Journey, Face the Music, Constantine, and a half point for Devil's Advocate)
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| Welcome to Hell |
Number of times Keanu has traveled to Toyland: 1 (Let's just not talk about this)
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| The absolute fucking worst |
Countries Keanu has been in (at least in movie form): USA, Canada, France, England, India, China, Feudal Japan, Italy, Russia, Monaco
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| Baby it's COLD outside |
Movies Keanu has worn brownface: 2 (Even Cowgirls get the Blues, Little Buddha)
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| No. More. Brownface. |
On screen kills: Sorry, I don't have this number but between the John Wick and Matrix trilogies, the answer is a lot.
On screen animals: Cats, dogs, horses, goldfish, and one cybernetic dolphin
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| The least stupid part of this movie |
Number of movies where Keanu drives or rides a motorcycle: 4
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| Totally unnecessary bike ride |
Vehicles Keanu has traveled on or in: Racecar, Van, Surfboard, Airplane, Motorcycle, Pickup Truck, Phone Booth, Elevator, Subway, Houseboat, Moped, Horse-drawn carriage, Taxi, Fanboat, Spaceship, Truck, SUV
Movies Keanu is named John, Johnny, Jonathan: 9
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| Hello Jonathan |
Movies with states in their title: 3 (Feeling Minnesota, My Own Private Idaho, Prince of Pennsylvania)
Number of Phoenix family siblings Keanu has appeared on-screen with: 3 (River, Joaquin, Rain)
Number of Red Hot Chili Peppers members Keanu has appeared on-screen with: 2 (Flea, Anthony Kiedas)
Actors/Actresses who notably or randomly appear in multiple movies (not a full and complete list but the ones I remember off the top of my head): Charlize Theron, Udo Kier, Vince D'Onofrio, Peter Stormare, Common, Sandra Bullock, Wynona Ryder, Ana de Armas, Dennis Hopper, Danny Hoch, Lawrence Fishburne, Lori Loughlin, Fred Ward, Monica Belluci, Giovanni Ribisi, Rachel Weisz, Uma Thurman, Jon Favreau, Tilda Swinton, Katie Holmes
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| Feel free to put Monica Bellucci in any and all movies |
Person I'm convinced Keanu Reeves is a personal friend of: Peter Stormare. Seriously, are they BFFs? They were in Constantine, John Wick Chapter 2, Henry's Crime, and Keanu regularly appearing in Stormare's television show, Swedish Dicks.
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| Keanu's BFF? |
Genre Breakdown: Action (8), Children's (1), Comedy (15), Drama (21), Horror (3), Romance (3), Science Fiction (9), "Thriller" (1 - if you can call "The Watcher" a thriller)
Current number of trilogies (to change once the next Matrix and John Wick movies are eventually released): 3
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| No caption needed |
Drugs used on screen: Cocaine, Weed, Heroin, Substance D
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| Lemme hit that shit |
Up next: Stick around, it's time for lessons from the project.
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