As I mentioned in my previous post, I have avoided both "Matrix" sequels for the last 17 years based on the advice of my friend who told me upon seeing "Reloaded" to never watch these movies. So it comes as no surprise that I've been spending the last four days avoiding writing this post on "The Matrix Revolutions."
If "The Matrix Reloaded" was a passable movie (though far from good), "The Matrix Revolutions" is just a total fucking disaster. Between all of the logical fallacies, the nonsensical story, the horrid execution, the overabundance of CGI, the gigantic lack of your movie's main star, the introduction of new (and useless) characters...this movie is utter garbage.
This isn't even to mention that this movie borrows heavily from a number of other film franchises, the ones that immediately come to mind include "The Terminator," "Star Wars," and "Alien."
I could write a few thousand words about all of the logical problems with this movie and how it makes no fucking sense but that would require me to really sit back and think more about this and the last four and a half hours I've spent watching these two sequels has been enough for me.
Here's a super fast synopsis -
The movie picks up right where the previous one left off, except now Neo is in some sort of Matrix purgatory, sitting around in a train station waiting for the Train Man (because why not introduce more new characters) to bring him back to where he belongs. Trinity and Morpheus go back to see the Merovingian to get him back (after a shockingly slow foot chase with the aforementioned Train Man), Neo goes to see the Oracle again (except the original actress has died in the actual real world of reality outside this movie and been replaced with a much weaker actress), and there is what feels like a four hour long CGI battle of the machines versus Zion and it is unwatchable trash.
In the end, Neo sacrifices himself to save humanity through a truce with the machines, but basically who gives a shit and it doesn't matter anyway because we've learned that this is all a big never-ending repeating cycle and there's a zero percent chance that the peace actually lasts.
It is all very, very stupid and only made worse by all of the CGI, pointless arcs and general idiocy.
I don't even want to write more about this so I'm just going to add in a handful of notes about the variety of shittiness of "Revolutions:"
*They introduce us to a character, I don't even know his name because there are seemingly 800 cast members in this, who I'll just refer to as "the kid" who is 16 years old and wants to help fight for Zion. But he's too young and the commander doesn't want him to fight (even though one would think this is sort of an all hands on deck situation given that, you know, if the humans don't win then everyone literally dies) so guess what? Of course he helps save the day in the end! WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED OR CARED?
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| More new characters! Because FUCK YOU, that's why! |
*Hey, guys in mech suits! Does this remind you of anything? HINT: IT'S "ALIEN."
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| James Cameron would like his money back |
*Why does nobody seem to realize that Bane is acting funny when he wakes up? If you've not seen the movie (and seriously, don't), Bane is the guy that Agent Smith inhabits in the real world in "Reloaded." As such, when he wakes up in the real world, the actor playing Bane basically starts doing his best Hugo Weaving impression (which actually might be the BEST part of the movie) and nobody seems to wonder why Bane has essentially taken on an entirely new personality. I get that most people he interacts with in the real world have never met Agent Smith in the Matrix. But when Bane confronts Neo, a person whom he has interacted with extensively, it seriously takes Neo FOR-FUCKING-EVER to realize that Bane isn't Bane and that he's actually Agent Smith. Bane calls Neo "Mr. Anderson" nearly a dozen times before Neo figures out what the fuck is going on. Fuck this fucking movie.
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| Matrix-O-Vision because why not add in more CGI? |
*I think my favorite character is someone I nicknamed "Bad News Andy Samberg." I don't know who this guy is but every time he shows up it's just to give bad news about the attack on Zion. "The machines have breached the walls," or "That EMP is going to destroy our defenses" or "Buckle up guys because there is still 90 minutes left in this movie."
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| Bad News Andy Samberg here with more bad news, Captain |
*Neo commandeers a ship to go to Machine City (why do the machines even need a goddamn city?) where he confronts and makes peace with the machines by agreeing to take out Agent Smith who has become a super virus. I only mention this because we get a very long scene of Neo in Machine City, which is entirely fucking stupid, where he meets and talks to the machines who have formed some sort of giant head out of sentinel robots because FUCK YOU, that's why.
Neo on his way to Machine City or whatever
Before COVD-19 hit, the news broke that a fourth movie is currently in pre-production and I say, "please, no." I'm going to do everything in my power to forget the sequels ever existed in the first place.
BEST PART: I'm not sure she even speaks, but thanks for bringing Monica Belluci back for one scene.
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| The only good part of this movie |
WORST PART: Take your fucking pick. Because there are too many to choose from, I'm just going to go with the fifty hour long CGI battle of Zion, which of course is meaningless anyway because this is like the ninth time this has apparently happened, and it's going to just happen again. Hopefully not in the Matrix Four.
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| Not part of the movie, this is Keanu's actual reaction to watching this on the big screen for the first time |
Box Office Information: This movie made an astounding $139 Million Domestic ($210 Million inflation adjusted) and $288 Million international for $427 Million worldwide and was the 11th highest grossing movie of 2003. "Revolutions" did beat it out as the 3rd highest grossing movie of the year behind only "Finding Nemo" and "Pirates: Curse of the Black Pearl." All told, the Matrix Franchise made about $1.5 BILLION dollars, setting Keanu Reeves as well as the Wachowskis set for life, although I'm not convinced the latter two aren't complete hacks who somehow lucked into making one very good movie.
Rotten Tomatoes: 35% Critics, 60% Audience. That first one feels close to accurate but that audience score...sorry but no.
IMDB: 6.8
My Movie Rating: Honestly, I want to give this a 1, but I reserve 1's and 2's for the worst of the worst like the Birdemics and the Spice Worlds of the world. So I'm hitting this thing with a 2.5.
Keanu Rating: I have no idea. 1? 10? He doesn't even feature prominently in this thing as over half the movie is a CGI battle. I'll split the difference and give him a 5.
Up Next: The romantic comedy, "Something's Gotta Give" starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. I have no idea how much Keanu is in this thing and I have a feeling that I need to be 15 or 20 years older to enjoy this. But I did used to really like "As Good as it Gets" so maybe this won't be terrible.
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