Something's Gotta Give (2003) - Dr. Julian Mercer
So, I am clearly the wrong demographic for the target audience of this movie as I am a) under 50, b) straight and c) a man, so my opinion of this movie is clearly going to be colored by that. Nancy Meyers is not making movies for me, and that's just fine. I've seen and really enjoyed "Father of the Bride" (when I was a child) and I've seen and hated "What Women Want" and that might be my entire history of her movies because, once again, Nancy Meyers is not making movies for me. And once again, that's just fine.
I knew I was going to hate this movie when the opening sequence was a voiceover of Jack Nicholson talking about young women while the song "Butterfly" by Crazy Town played. If you were around in 1999, surely you remember this song, and if your feelings towards it are anything other than overwhelming antipathy, well then you should find the nearest bridge to jump off. The only song that was released in 1999-2000 worse than this song might be "Last Resort" by Papa Roach, and I'm not even sure which one is more putrid.
With this as the backdrop to open the movie, I knew I was in for a long, long two hours and ten minutes.
In the beginning, we are introduced to Jack Nicholson who plays Harry, an extremely wealthy 60-something year old who exclusively dates women under 30, and is currently in the midst of a fling with Marin, played by Amanda Peet. Despite his enormous wealth (which I'll get to), it genuinely seems that Marin is actually interested in Harry for his "charm" and not his money, which is of course ludicrous on its face. Harry and Marin are headed to Marin's mother's lovely house in the Hamptons for a fun weekend away from the city, and in the opening scene they are on the verge of consummating their new relationship when they realize that they are not alone in the house.
No, Marin's mother and sister happen to be there as well, played by Diane Keaton and a severely underutilized Frances McDormand and after a "hilarious" meeting where Erica (Diane Keaton) threatens to call the police on Harry, they all agree to just spend the weekend in the house together because no, this is not awkward at all.
Okay, time for a very quick aside before I start ranting about how much I hate this movie -
NONE of the main characters (except for maybe Keanu Reeves, who I will get to momentarily) are remotely relatable and all seem to come from absurd wealth. Erica is apparently a world-renowned playwright (is that even a thing in 2003? Perhaps I'm not cultured enough to believe that more than a very small handful of people are making it big enough as playwrights to own beautiful, spacious vacation homes in the Hamptons), Marin is an auctioneer who sells $50 million dollars of art a few times a week for a living and....Jack Nicholson is the owner of a hip hop record label which truly strains credulity.
Anyway. So on the first night at the house, Harry and Marin are about to bone down but guess what? He has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital where we finally meet our hero, Keanu Reeves.
It's time to breakout your Keanu BINGO cards, we've already hit many of your regular movie occupations: cop, ad executive, lawyer, and football player, but we've now hit the BINGO with emergency room doctor, woo hoo!
After a "hilarious" scene at the hospital where we are meant to laugh at the old "old man's ass in a hospital robe gag," Harry is discharged but not before Dr. Keanu tells him that he's in no condition to travel back to the city and has to stay at Erica's house for a few extra days.
Oh, and before I forget and because it is integral to the story, Dr. Keanu and Erica have a meet cute where we find out that not only is he basically her biggest fan, but he's very obviously openly flirting with her because as an ER doctor, he has nothing better to do.
Once again, please sustain your disbelief that this very handsome and charming ER doctor a) knows who Erica is by name, b) has seen ALL of her plays and c) finds himself immediately attracted to a woman who is 25 years older than him.
Look, I'm all for role reversals, after all that's really at the heart of this movie, but Dr. Keanu comes across as so awestruck by her immediately that it is beyond absurd.
So Harry has to live with Erica, while his new lady friend has to return back home to the city. Can you guess what happens next? Well, at first Harry and Erica don't get along at all but then, shock of all shocks, they get to know each other and then they DO get along! Wow!
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| If you simply have another heart attack and die now, we can end this movie an hour early |
After they bone down, Harry admits to Erica that he's truly fallen for her in a way he's never fallen for any woman in his 50+ years of adulthood and she's falling for him too. Super.
"What's so funny?" NOT this movie.
Oh, there's just one problem and it's not the one you might think it is. See, Marin is out of the picture as she amicably breaks things off with Harry. No, the problem is that Erica has started dating Dr. Keanu.
One of the biggest problems I have with this movie is how the two main characters are portrayed, or at least how we're told they are portrayed. Harry is supposed to be this chauvinist philanderer who sleeps around with young women and then leaves them on the side of the road and Erica is supposed to be this charming woman who just needs the right guy to come along after her divorce. But here's the thing: NONE of this is actually shown in the movie. Harry IS rather charming, smart and honest with the women he dates and Erica is a complete fucking asshole, which I'll get into more in a minute.
Anyway, Harry gets the go-ahead to head back home and leaves while Erica continues working on her play which just happens to be about all of the events so far in this movie because there is nothing original about any of this. Oh, but she's sad when he leaves and for about two minutes I was tormented by this scene of Diane Keaton attempting to cry and seriously, this is an abomination of film.
When Harry returns to New York, he seems to be going about his old ways. He's throws a big party at his house, full of young and attractive people, which I also took a huge offense to because there is not a SINGLE PERSON OF COLOR to be seen. The man owns a hip hop record label and doesn't know a single black person? Must be great music he's putting out.
Sometime after the party, Erica receives a call from Marin, who is upset because her father (Erica's ex husband) is getting remarried to a 30 something year old who he has known for three weeks, something else I'll get back to in just a second because I'm not convinced that Nancy Meyers has no concept of how personal relationships work in reality. Erica begrudgingly agrees to go to dinner with her ex, his fiancee and Marin in the city, but in turn completely STANDS UP Dr. Keanu for their second date and we get to see him sitting alone at a restaurant, completely crestfallen over this, which again is patently absurd.
And would you even believe that at the dinner with the ex, guess who shows up with a hot young woman? No, not Vanilla Ice, but Harry! Erica gets so upset at the sight of him that she runs out of the restaurant (not bothering to tell Marin that she's leaving because again, DIANE KEATON IS THE ASSHOLE IN THIS MOVIE) with Harry in tow trying to get her to calm down. They both proclaim love for the other one but Harry can't be in a relationship with her because that's just not how he rolls.
Great.
Erica returns to the Hamptons to finish her play and for WHATEVER REASON, Dr. Keanu decides to give HER a second chance because Nancy Meyers has no understanding of human behavior.
An actual scene from this movie
My feeling of disdain through the first two acts of this movie turned to absolute hatred during act three when the following things happen:
We get a montage of Erica finishing her play while dating Dr. Keanu, followed by Harry out on yet another date with yet another young woman who tells him that she's auditioning for this hilarious play where she's about to bang this older man but he has a heart attack. Harry figures out this is Erica's play and crashes auditions to confront her. Erica basically tells him that this is her story and that the version of him she's using is mostly fictional even though it's clear that this isn't the case.
After this nonsense, we get one of these
Harry shows up to Marin's apartment to say hi and we learn that Marin is now three months pregnant, and married, because once again in the Nancy Meyers universe, everyone can meet someone, fall in love, and have a baby in about a week's time. Harry asks how Erica is doing and Marin tells him that she's actually off on a vacation in Paris, a place that Harry and Erica had talked about visiting together back when they spent two lovely days together.
Because, once again, the characters in this movie are uber wealthy and are in no way, shape, or form relatable to actual human beings, Harry jaunts off to Paris to profess his love for Erica.
He is somehow able to track her down at a restaurant in Paris (I mean, how many restaurants can there be in Paris? Six? Seven?) and turns on the old Jack Nicholson charm. He tells her that after their confrontation at the audition he decided to take a trip to the Caribbean, but after less than a day he realized that wasn't the trip he needed. No, the trip he needed was down Memory Lane. So he goes back home to reunite with ALL OF THE WOMEN HE'S EVER DATED to learn from them about himself, which is so fucking asinine that the only reason I didn't throw a brick through my television is because I don't keep bricks lying around my home.
After giving her this entire speech, there's just one problem. Dr. Keanu, handsome as ever, shows up to the restaurant and sits down! And rather than say something along the lines of "Oh, Harry, it's super fucking weird that you're here," Dr. Keanu invites Harry to stay for dinner!
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| Keanu or Jack Nicholson...how is this even a choice? |
So they all have dinner together, we learn that Dr. Keanu and Erica are engaged, and this SHOULD be the end of this insipid movie.
But no, it's not.
They all leave and Harry is walking alone in Paris when a cab shows up and Erica steps out. He asks her, "Hey, where's Dr. Keanu?" and she tells him that when they got back to their hotel, Dr. Keanu told her he can tell that she's still in love with Harry and to go be with him or some total utter fucking nonsense like that. Once again, ERICA IS THE ASSHOLE OF THIS MOVIE. Lady, you just spend the last six months of your life with Dr. Keanu, who has been nothing but charming and wonderful this entire time, and you ditch him in Paris for a man you spent four days with. Fuck you.
And then we cut to another dinner scene with Erica, Harry, and Marin and her husband and new baby all out together because fuck you movie-watcher, that's why.
Ugh.
I've written a lot on this piece of shit movie but just a few scattered thoughts:
*Keanu Reeves is literally the only good part of this movie. He comes off as totally charming and delightful and it's absolute bullshit how his character is treated in this and that Erica isn't seen as anything other than a villain in this movie.
*The award for biggest waste of talent in a film goes to Frances McDormand who might have a total of four minutes of screen time in this. If you're going to put Frances McDormand in your movie, maybe, I don't know, try using her a little bit.
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| "Don't mind me, I'll be out of this movie momentarily." |
*A brief list of May/December relationships in this movie for those who weren't keeping track: Harry and Marin, Dr. Keanu and Erica, Erica's ex-husband and his new wife, Harry and everyone, Harold and Maude.
*Erica's play sounds downright awful and I truly fail to believe that she's made millions of dollars off her writing
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*Why does Harry own a hip hop label? It's a fucking movie, it's fictional, he could be wealthy from literally anything because it never comes into play for any reason. He lives in New York, make him a fucking retired finance guy or a retired CEO or a retired super villain, it literally DOES NOT MATTER, why oh why the founder and owner of a hip hop label for a guy who looks like he spends most of his time playing golf and listening to smooth jazz?
| Have you seen my friends Method Man or Old Dirty Bastard? |
*If you would like to watch an actual funny movie that features traditional gender role reversal, might I suggest "Harold and Maude" to you?
*I could rant about this for another 500 words but I won't so I'll just leave with the closing thought that this movie really fucking sucks.
Box Office Information: $125 Million Domestic ($186 Million inflation adjusted)/ $142 Million international for a total of $266 Million worldwide on a budget of $80 Million which just goes to show that writing and producing trash like this can still make you rich and famous. Nancy Meyers should be required by law to return every cent she made from this. This mainly ran in theaters from December 2003 - February 2004 so it's a little misleading to say what rank this was in either year, but $266 Million worldwide is really impressive regardless.
IMDB: 6.7
My Movie Rating: 3/10. What, could you not tell that I hated this?
Keanu Rating: 9/10. Seriously, Keanu is the only good part in this movie even if his character's actions and motivations make absolutely no sense. Seriously, he knows and has seen ALL of her plays, continues to date a woman 25 years older than him AFTER she stands him up for a date, takes her on a trip to Paris and seemingly (off-screen) is totally cool with her leaving him for a man she honestly barely knows. All that said, he's actually quite delightful in this movie and it's a shame how dirty they did his character in this.
Up Next: "Thumbsucker" - a movie I meant to watch 15 years ago and never got around to. I don't even remember what it's about anymore.
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