The Keanu Reeves Project - Replicas

REPLICAS (2018) - Bill Foster

Ever since I started this project on day one I have been specifically looking forward to one movie that I hadn't seen before: "Replicas."

Now you might say, "What the fuck are you talking about?  That movie is supposed to be terrible!"

And yes, in fact here are just a few pull-quotes from Rotten Tomatoes:

*"Replicas" is not without its laughs, even if they're at the expense of the film. For a bad movie, you could do a lot worse. Boot the mapping service, baby.

*If you woke up in a glitching simulation, this janky garbage would be projected on every screen, possibly under the title Human Movie.

And maybe my favorite, simple and concise:

*This is really terrible.

Long time readers of this project (both of you) are aware of my love of bad movies, it's part of why when I'm done with this whole thing in a few days Johnny Mnemonic is going to be higher up on the final rankings than the actual score I gave it, because while terrible, it's utterly hilarious.

So I was excited to finally get around to this, thinking I was going to be treated to a very fun bad movie.  So you can count me as just a tiny bit disappointed that this movie didn't live up to my hilariously bad movie expectations.  In fact, for the first 30ish minutes I was actually kind of enjoying this despite the stupidity and wanting to see where it was actually going.  Sure, a lot of it was completely preposterous and silly but it wasn't out and out terrible.

But the final act...yeesh.  It wasn't so much comical as it was just...really fucking bad.  Badly written, badly performed, bad CGI, bad everything.  What sucks is that somewhere in here there WAS a decent, mildly entertaining movie a la something from the mind of Phillip K. Dick.  But instead we were given a Frankenstein mash-up that's 25% "The Terminator," 10% "Minority Report," "5% Jurassic Park", 30% "I, Robot," "5% Robocop" and 25% "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" with a splash of "Sophie's Choice" but 100% garbage.

You know by now: full and total spoilers ahead and this might get long in order to cover exactly how dumb "Replicas" is.

The movie opens in Puerto Rico where Keanu plays William Foster, some sort of research scientist working in a lab and being told that a donor is on the way and to get ready.  We also meet one of his colleagues, Ed, played by Silicon Valley's Thomas Middleditch who I assume was typecast in this movie as Keanu's nerdy sidekick.  A very recently dead body is delivered to the lab and Keanu uses some sort of scify headset that jabs a needle through the dead man's eye and extracts all of the neurological data from his brain.

I don't know how they got Will Smith to agree to play the role of "cadaver"

I should also mention that there's a LOT of futuristic science jargon that you better get used to if you're going to keep watching the movie.  Keanu then takes the extracted brain data and using the exact same computer from "Minority Report," transfers the data into a robot, who wakes up looking at Keanu through "Robocop" vision and completely freaks out before the researchers can unplug it.

Can you say "Keanu?"  Ke-Ah-Nu?

See, Keanu and crew are working at this company with the stated goal of "reviving" dead soldiers (among other groups) by extracting the memories in their brains and putting them inside robots, essentially granting immortality although that word is never actually used.  By the way, there are literally zero conversations about the legality, morality or ethical implications of any of this.

The problem however, is that Keanu has failed to successfully make this work and his boss, a guy just named "Jones" lets Keanu and Ed know that they're running out of time and the board won't keep funding a project that is costing a ton of money and not getting anywhere.  

Keanu heads home where his wife Mona, played by Alice Eve, is packing up their SUV for a trip.  Now, I don't recognize Alice Eve from anything but for a movie that prominently features robots, she easily gives the most robotic performance of anyone in this movie.  I got a very Chris Isaac from "Little Buddha" vibe from her and if you've read that post from several months ago you know that is not a compliment.  When describing Alice Eve, I think the word I'm looking for is wooden.  Anyway, Mona is packing up the kids for something (I should note that it is a bright, beautiful day in Puerto Rico). So Ed shows up and we learn the family is going on a little trip, apparently to Ed's boat.

I know it's hard to tell from a photo but that "woman" is actually a cyborg

Cut to the next scene and it's pouring rain and dark and Keanu's got the whole family in the car on the way to the boat.  All of a sudden a tree branch falls through the windshield, impaling Mona.  Keanu freaks out and swerves off the road and into a pond where we learn a tiny bit later that the entire family is dead - Mona, his son Matt and his daughters Zoe and Sophie.  

Keanu, rather than calling the cops, instead makes a phone call to Ed, who shows up and sees the scene and is basically like, "we should call the cops."  At least for the first act of this movie, Ed is the only voice of reason but forget reason because he's just about always ignored.

Keanu and Ed head back to their lab where we learn that aside from extracting neurological data, Ed has enough free time for a side project: cloning.  Ed warns Keanu that he's never actually cloned humans (Ed thankfully lets us all know that it's illegal) and even a lot of the animals he's cloned have come out all fucked up.  Not to mention that even IF he can successfully clone Keanu's family, their brains will come out as infants and Keanu hasn't exactly been successful at the whole 'brain transfer process to robots quite yet.

But morality, ethics, law, and common sense be damned, Keanu loves his family and he'll do anything to bring them back.  Keanu goes home to wait for Ed, who shows up in a goddamn truck FULL of equipment that he took/stole from the lab.  How he was able to do all of this by himself without anyone noticing?  Fuck you, stop asking questions!

But uh oh, just one small problem once again, Ed only had three cloning pods at the lab and Keanu's got four dead family members.  It's a bit like a Pokemon situation but instead it's a dead family: can't clone 'em all!  Keanu puts all of his family's names in a hat because he has to make a Sophie's choice - AMAZINGLY FUNNY since once of his daughters is ACTUALLY NAMED SOPHIE.  Come on "Replicas," you HAVE GOT TO TRY HARDER.

Whoops, wrong movie

Zoe pulls the short straw and won't be cloned today.  Sorry Zoe, NO REPLICA FOR YOU.

Ed sets up the cloning pods in Keanu's basement and warns him that he has to keep constant watch on the pods and consistently check "the levels." Ah yes, the important levels!  Plus, if the pods ever lose power (a potential problem in Puerto Rico) the whole thing is fucked.  Ed also warns that human clones are going to take exactly 17 days to make (how he knows this without ever having done it before is yet another open question) but even more problematic, what about Zoe?  If Keanu can successfully move brain memories into human clones, his whole family is going to be like "Hey, didn't we have another member in this family?"

Just set to 450 and wait 17 days

But hey once again, FUCK YOU viewer because Keanu has got a super Minority Report computer that allows him to scan and search everyone's brains for memories of Zoe and completely erase her from existence!  Just a simple control+f, select all, and delete and it's done!

Control+F

We have to talk about Zoe

Back at work Ed gets some bad news from Jones - unless they make the next brain transplant work, they're all getting shut down.  Ed relays this news to Keanu and says this would be bad because if they get shut down they're going to come looking for the millions of dollars of lab equipment currently making clones in Keanu's basement.  Why it wouldn't be noticed missing otherwise - still a mystery but hopefully you've learned by now to stop asking questions.

Keanu's missing presence has also been noticed at work so he goes back in where he's immediately swamped by his staff for one thing or another but when he gets home from work he's greeted by Matt's teacher because dumbass Keanu forgot that his entire family is dead and nobody bothered to give a reason to the school for why nobody is showing up and also forgot to say anything to the clinic where his doctor wife works.  WHOOPS!  

Ed, who was at the house watching on the clones when the teacher arrived, explains to Keanu that he got rid of the teacher by saying Matt's got chicken pox and temporarily living with his grandparents ("BUT THEY'RE DEAD" says Keanu) while he recovers.  Ed, ever the voice of reason is like "Uh, you didn't think anyone would notice your whole family is missing?"  Not to mention that one of his cars is literally upside down in a pond outside of town (don't worry, this is never mentioned again either).

So Keanu gets to work: he grabs all of his kids' and Mona's laptops and phones and furiously responds to the hundreds of missed calls and texts they've received with various explanations, the only which I really caught was telling everyone the kids are being homeschooled now.  Not sure how he explained the disappearance of his wife from her medical practice BUT FUCK YOU, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Oh hell no

Ed shows up to the house and the clones are just about cooked to a crispy well done status, but the problem is that Keanu still doesn't have the whole brain transference thing figured out.  Ed is like, well buddy, you have to take the clones out now because the longer they're in the tank the more they're going to age and it's sure going to be hard to explain when your 12 year old son is now 45 and your wife is elderly.  But Keanu has yet another plan - he pulls them all out of the tanks and sedates them all, buying himself three more days to figure this shit out.

If all of this sounds ridiculous to this point it's because it totally is.

Gooey!

So three days whoosh by and Keanu hasn't figured brain transference out and he's just about to kill the clones (starting with his wife) when he gets a phone call from Jones and as he does he notices something for the first time: when he puts his hand on his wife's arm, all of a sudden there's brain activity that wasn't there before.  This of course is fucking stupid and makes no sense but FUCK YOU.  Somehow, this solves Keanu's dilemma and he figures that all of these brains have been rejected by machine brains because the brain is searching for its body and doesn't know what the fuck is going on.  It's all a bunch of mumbo jumbo nonsense but we have to advance this plot.

So Keanu brings up his Minority Report computer and makes some changes to his algorithm to trick the implant and gets ready to put the replicated memories into his family.  Is it going to work?  Of course it does, it's a VERY STUPID MOVIE!

Changing the algorithm on the Minority Report computer

Ed is like holy shit we did it but dammit we can't actually tell anyone what we actually did here.  Mona wakes up and recognizes Keanu but he has to knock her back out because the house isn't quite ready for replica family just yet.  There's photos of Zoe all over the house, there's a ton of lab equipment in the basement, and there are dirty dishes everywhere!

So Keanu cleans up - throws away all the memories of Zoe, straightens up the house, and disassembles the bunk beds in his daughter's room because he had to Sophie's choice Zoe so bunkbeds would also be confusing.  Did he erase the memories of the bunk beds too?  FUCK YOU, WHO CARES.

Goodbye Zoe, it's been nice, hope you find your paradise

He goes to bed next to Mona but he wakes up the next morning and she's gone!  Oh boy, it's the moment of truth: Keanu walks to the kitchen and his whole family is there getting ready for the day!  Everyone is like "hey dad!" and acting like everything is normal and hooray, Keanu did it!  Thankfully it's a Saturday so no school or work for anyone except Keanu because there's still the small explanation of figuring out how to tell his kids they don't attend school anymore and that they can't talk to ANYONE ever again because their family of five is now a family of four and yeah, that's just a teeny tiny bit suspicious.

Keanu goes to work because they have another donor coming in and they better get this one right or else they are both screwed.  I mean they're screwed anyway from everything else I've mentioned to this point but whatever!  Keanu heads to the men's room and comes up with a plan: he takes an imprint of his OWN brain to implant into their robot.  This way, he can use his brain-tricking algorithm to make it work this time.  Or something.  He explains the plan to Ed and Ed is like IT'S GENIUS (is it?)!  He makes an excuse to not do the brain transference on this particular donor and goes home where things are...not going great.

Why hello REPLICA family

Mona explains that she doesn't exactly feel right and everyone's cell phones are missing.  She also vaguely remembers they were supposed to go on a boat trip but doesn't remember it and she also doesn't remember what she had for dinner last night (hint: it was cloning goo).  

That night, Sophie has a nightmare and wakes up screaming that her mom is dead because it's the last thing she saw before the car crash and she died.  Keanu runs in and realizes that yes, he's fucked up yet again: he erased Zoe but he didn't erase the car crash or everyone in the family watching mom fucking die.  This would almost be an interesting beat in the movie if it were played correctly, but it isn't and so it just comes across as genius researcher Keanu continuing to be an absolute dumbass and not thinking more than one step ahead.  

So Keanu carries Sophie to the basement, pulls open his Minority Report computer and starts searching Sophie's brain for memories of the crash, which he proceeds to erase.  Just one problem though, as he wraps up his after school project, Mona walks in and is like "uh, what the fuck are you doing to our daughter?"

Maybe when he's done with her he can erase this movie from my brain as well

Stuck without being able to explain himself to clone wife, Keanu tells her the truth - there was a crash and everyone died but him and now they are all REPLICAS.  Ugh.

The next day at dinner (still no school because it's Sunday?), Sophie asks a simple question: who is Zoe?  Apparently the word Zoe was written in crayon somewhere in the room and Keanu didn't catch that one.  Whoops again Keanu.  Keanu and Mona head to the other room and Mona is like, what the fuck is going on, I remember there being photos around the house and just as Keanu tries to make yet another bad excuse, the doorbell rings and it's Jones.

Jones and Keanu take a walk to the backyard where Jones confronts Keanu by basically saying, "Hey dipshit, I'm well aware that your whole family are clones with memories that you gave them because you have figured this out." Jones also comes a bit clean at this point: Keanu's research isn't exactly an innocent project to extend the lives of dead soldiers.  Nope, they're basically working for the military because can you imagine being able to put the brain of the world's best pilot into a thousand drones?  Not to mention any other number of uses for this breakthrough technology.  But no, Keanu never thought of that because as I've already established, despite being an absolute genius HE'S ALSO SOMEHOW A TOTAL FUCKING MORON.  

Mr. Jones and me

Jones becomes a really, really over-the-top comically bad villain at this point and tells Keanu that this whole side project of his isn't really going to fly and that the clones need to die, but Keanu also needs to hand over the algorithm that makes this whole thing work.  Keanu is like "sure thing, buddy" and heads to the basement to get the algorithm while a bunch of armed goons wait outside for Jones' signal to bust in and kill everyone.  But Keanu returns upstairs and stabs Jones in the arm with a sedative and then beats him over the head before putting the disk with the algorithm in the microwave to destroy it.

At this point, Mona starts freaking out and Keanu is like "yeah we have to get out of here because all of these dudes are going to kill you" and so the family hops into their car and Keanu speeds off while the goons give chase.  Jones calls the lead goon and says "don't shoot him in the head," because he is going to need to replicate Keanu's brain in order to get that damn algorithm back.  This is all very stupid.

So now we are treated to an asinine car chase sequence in which we learn that the cloned bodies have trackers built into them (how?  We get an explanation that makes zero sense but who cares anyway, FUCK YOU), but they are able to remove them by zapping them out with a defibrillator (okay, sure) at Mona's clinic.  After getting around the trackers, they make a run for it by heading to Ed's boat but the keys aren't where they're supposed to be and Keanu's entire family is captured and taken back to the lab.

CLEAR!

Keanu heads to the lab to save his family and Jones is already waiting for him along with Ed who was sort of forced to give up Keanu's destination for fear of being murdered by Jones.  Ed apologizes for things getting out of hand and Keanu proceeds to say possibly the stupidest thing in this entirely stupid movie by stating the obvious to Jones: "You can't kill me because I destroyed the algorithm that you need and the only place it exists is in my head." Uh, have you been watching this movie Keanu?  Because that's the point entirely.  Jones is like, "Yeah, I sort of need you but I don't need him," and he shoots Ed in the head, dead.  Seemed a bit pointless to me but FUCK YOU who cares.

Genius, shoot the guy who knows how to make human clones in the head

Keanu is like "okay, I'll give you the algorithm" and he opens up Minority Report computer to rebuild it and then implants it in the robot that's been sitting around the lab, non-functional this entire time.  The robot wakes up but along with implanting it with his own brain that he had copied earlier in the movie, he's also given it a bit of a Terminator modification, so the (very poorly CGI rendered) robot goes apeshit and attacks all of Jones goons.  Keanu follows the robot back into the room where it is HILARIOUSLY choking Jones out on the floor and Jones tells Keanu that if he gets killed "they'll just send someone else anyway."

A better screenshot of the Minority Report computer

Fucking hilarious

So Keanu devises yet one more plan and is like "not if we work together."  Robot Keanu tells Jones to "give us what we want and we'll make you a very rich man."  So Keanu and his family leave the lab while Robot Keanu takes an imprint of Jones' brain before presumably killing and replicating him so nobody comes looking for him, all the while shutting down the operation. In fact, who the fuck was able to make this clone anyway?  The only person who could do it is Ed and Ed's dead, shot in the head so they can't get his memory anyway.   It makes NO FUCKING SENSE BUT FUCK YOU WHO CARES.  

We get a title card of "17 days later" and we see Keanu on the beach with his entire family, INCLUDING ZOE (HOW?).  We then cut to the United Arab Emirates where an old man in a wheelchair enters a room where he is greeted by a replicated version of Jones and the robot version of Keanu, with the implication that they are going to clone the old guy with his own brain, basically granting immortality.  The movie ends with Robot Keanu simply stating, "Boot the mapping sequence."

Ugh

THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING BAD.  What really sucks is that it doesn't get comically bad until the last 20ish minutes and it's not worth it at that point.

Okay, a few side notes:

*I really don't understand what this family vacation was supposed to be on Ed's boat.  They were traveling there in a storm, at night, and by the time we actually see what Ed's boat actually is, it certainly doesn't feel like an overnight vacation destination.  It's not a yacht or some big fancy boat, it's this small thing you would find sitting in someone's driveway.  Like, that would have been the worst vacation ever for five people.

*Keanu, who is very wealthy and lives in Puerto Rico, a place prone to hurricanes and tropical storms, doesn't own a generator.  This is brought up when Ed lets him know that the cloning pods can NEVER LOSE POWER.  So what does Keanu do?  Well apparently he walks around his neighborhood and steals the batteries out of all the cars on the street, which eventually leads to the cops showing up at his door to ask if his battery has been stolen as well (which he says no, interesting as he's the only person on the block with an unstolen car battery).  This is a plot thread that also goes nowhere because this movie is fucking dumb and no law enforcement ever follows up on this.  Why even bring up the whole battery thing at all then?  Oh right, this movie was written by a monkey.

An actual picture of the writer of this movie

*On the second day after waking the clones, the whole family goes Christmas tree shopping where Matt picks out a fake tree he really likes before being chided by his mother for liking a FAKE TREE.  Do you get it?  Do you get it?  The tree is fake, just like the family and fuck this movie is fucking dumb.

*Is Jones a shoutout to the cybernetic dolphin Jones from "Johnny Mnenomic?"  I'm just going to go with yes.

*I lost track of the number of plot holes in this movie.  Beyond all the ones I've mentioned already there have to be a half dozen more.  At least Ed does his best in the first act to try to clean some of them up but even he gives up on this at about the 30 minute mark.

Box Office Information: $4 Million domestic/$5 Million international for a worldwide total of $9 Million on a $30 Million budget.  "Replicas" is considered one of the biggest bombs of Keanu's career.

Rotten Tomatoes: 11% Critic/33% Audience.  About right.

IMDB: 5.5

My Movie Rating: 3/10.  When I compile this list this movie is going to end up a higher rank than a few of the movies I've put in the 3.5 - 4 range I'm thinking because yes, it's fucking terrible, full of plot holes and utterly asinine but I was at least somewhat entertained throughout it.  But make no mistake, this movie blows.

Keanu Rating: 4/10.  Miscast yet again and given horrible material to work with.  That said, some of Keanu's best work is when he's playing a grieving character and he does get a bit of a chance to exercise that muscle in this one.

Up Next: YES, it's "John Wick: Parabellum" and the penultimate entry for the Keanu Reeves Project.