The Keanu Reeves Project - Recap Part 3 (Awards Part 2)

Wow, this post really deserves a better title, that's just a tad bit confusing.  Whatever.

Hey, did you miss recaps Part 1 and Part 2?  Cool, feel free to check them out.  This post will cover the BIG Keanu awards (and a few others) and will also mark the very last post of the Keanu Reeves Project and possibly the last time I ever update this stupid blog.  Or at least until I find something else to write about.  And with that intro, let's get to part 2 of the first (and only) Keanu Awards.

WORST MONOLOGUE AKA The I Don't Know Why My Videos Aren't Embedding on Mobile Properly Anymore Award

Nominees

*Al Pacino rants and raves for nearly 30 minutes at the end of Devil's Advocate - HOLY SHIT this goes on FOR FUCKING EVER.  And sure, why not?  He spends the previous two hours of this movie eating scenery and acting like a general fuckhead so why not give him carte blanche to keep it up unnecessarily for the final act of the movie.  Sorry, can't embed this as it's nearly 30 minutes long and unavailable.  

*Johnny Mnemonic wants room service - Keanu rants about his previous life and all the things he wants while trying to deliver all the data in his head.  It's just one more piece of bad acting in an already horribly acted film.

*Diane Keaton cries in montage for three minutes in Something's Gotta Give - If you've been reading these posts and specifically these recaps then you probably already know my feelings towards this movie.  But in a movie full of stupidity, this scene really knocks it out of the park in just how much I felt pure antipathy for these few minutes.  Perhaps this doesn't qualify as a "monologue" but fuck you this is my awards ceremony.

*Keanu thought he was just getting Free Pizza in Knock Knock - In another movie full of atrocious acting by everyone involved, this monologue made me physically cringe.  Keanu, my man, what the actual fuck?

*Keanu has a new ad campaign for hot dogs in Sweet November - It's a hot dog!  It's a hot dog!  It's a hot dog!  

*Jones explains his nefarious plot in Replicas (video unavailable) - Up until the final act, Jones just appeared as a man who definitely didn't seem like he was the head of a highly advanced biotech company but he explains exactly why to Keanu in this monologue.  "My name isn't even Jones!"  Ugh.

*Forest Whitaker explains his nefarious plot in Street Kings - I just really hate when the bad guy comes clean James Bond style about all their evil plans, and for an actor as prolific as Forest Whitaker this comes across as super cheesy and incredibly stupid.  Sorry for the potato like quality of the only video of this I could find.

And the Keanu goes to...

Diane Keaton.  I can't let Nancy Meyers get away with the atrocity that was this movie without giving her a "worst of" award.

BEST NON-KEANU COMEDIC PERFORMANCE (Male)

Nominees

*Peter Stormare - Henry's Crime - He plays an over-the-top theater director really well, plus I wanted to make sure this guy gets nominated for SOMETHING given how frequently he shows up in Keanu's filmography.

*Jon Favreau - The Replacements - He's a crazed linebacker and the funniest person in this entire movie.

You've got a little something on your face

*Robert Downey Jr. - A Scanner Darkly - An absolute genius performance in this, incredibly funny.

*Steve Martin - Parenthood - Oh, you mean comedy legend Steve Martin was good in a movie?  Shocking.

*William Sadler - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - Basically steals this movie playing Death.

*Alex Winter - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure/Bill and Ted Face the Music - He's just so good in these movies, but special recognition for his reprisal of his role 30 years later.  I still can't get over how good he is in Face the Music.

And the Keanu goes to...

Robert Downey Jr.  So the movie is not a comedy but his performance in this is mainly for comedic value and he completely steals every scene he's in.  If you haven't seen a Scanner Darkly and are a fan of RDJ in general, I strongly recommend checking it out.  Sorry Alex Winter, you were a very close runner-up.

Rotoscoped RDJ

BEST NON-KEANU DRAMATIC PERFORMANCE

Nominees

*Michael Nyvquist - John Wick - Also previously nominated for best villain, but again, he's just absolutely wonderful in this movie.

*Anthony Hopkins - Dracula - When does Anthony Hopkins disappoint in anything he's in?  He delivers the movie's best lines.

*Hugo Weaving - The Matrix - Already nominated him for best villain previously, but he deserves the double nomination here.

I can even hear his bones cracking just from this image

*Patrick Swayze - Point Break - Do you believe him as a hippy bank robbing surfer?  I do.

*Peter Stormare - Constantine - Hey, two acting nominations for Peter Stormare, this time as the devil.  Unfortunately he's only in this movie for a few minutes.

*Giovanni Ribisi - The Gift - I just think this guy is really good at playing various weirdos.  Not an exception in this one.

*Anthony Quinn - A Walk in the Clouds - Oh, you mean the four time Oscar nominee and two time winner gave an excellent performance in this movie?

AND THE KEANU GOES TO...

Anthony Quinn.  I mentioned it in the post for the movie but I hate to admit that I'm unfamiliar with most of his work, particularly when he was winning Oscars when he was a much younger man, but it's obvious how talented he is when watching this movie.

BEST NON KEANU PERFORMANCE (FEMALE) AKA The "I swear I'm not a misogynist but there just aren't very many comedic female performances to choose from in this filmography to break this into two awards" award

Nominees

*Lily Collins - To the Bone - I'm not really familiar with this actress but she delivers on a really difficult role playing a young woman suffering from anorexia.  

*Tilda Swinton - Constantine - Plays an angel with unclear intentions.  It's Tilda Swinton, what isn't she good in?

*Tilda Swinton - Thumbsucker - It's Tilda Swinton, what isn't she good in?

*Sandra Bullock - Speed - Her breakout role that launched her career.

*Ana De Armas - Exposed - This movie big time sucks but this was not the fault of Ana De Armas who is actually very good in this, just a shame this isn't a better movie.

*Cameron Diaz - Feeling Minnesota - Another good performance in another terrible movie.  Cameron Diaz is quite charming in this movie and is one of the only reasons I didn't give it a much lower movie score.

I promise this nomination is for her performance and not her looks

*Robin Wright - The Private Lives of Pippa Lee - Gives an outstanding performance in an otherwise forgettable movie.

*Charlize Theron - The Devil's Advocate - She goes from happy, young wife to crazed lunatic over the course of about two hours and all in all, it's pretty good.  Dare I say she's the best part of this movie?

And the Keanu goes to...

Lily Collins.  I don't know if I'd really recommend the movie to most people but she's really excellent in the movie.  Close second is Robin Wright but Pippa Lee is just too meandering to allow me to award it for anything.

Congrats Lily, a prestigious award from a blog that nobody reads

WORST SCENE NOT FEATURING KEANU

*Girls talk about absolutely nothing for seemingly forever in their apartment - Generation Um...- It was hard to pick out just one scene in this movie for this award, but here you go.  

*James Spader passes out in his fridge - The Watcher - I mean, it's hilarious and everything but I don't think that's the reaction the filmmakers were going for here.

Will you please excuse me?  I've got a fridge to fall asleep in.

*The world's worst doctor gives Uma Thurman some news - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - Once again, it was hard to pick out just one scene from this abysmal movie but this part is just so poorly acted that it stands out above the rest.

*Cameron Diaz is raped (off-screen) - Feeling Minnesota - I really hated this, particularly because the movie doesn't really seem to understand the implications of what's happening off-screen in what is presumably supposed to be a romantic comedy.

*Warehouse gymnastics - Flying - Stereotype black actor is forced to watch Olivia D'abo do gymnastics all over the warehouse he's supposed to be guarding and is later fired for it.  

*Diane Keaton cries for three minutes - Something's Gotta Give - Yep, that's here once again.  That's how much I hate this part of this wretched movie.

*Every scene Crispin Glover is in - River's Edge - You just have to sort of see it for yourself.

AND THE KEANU GOES TO...

Cameron Diaz is raped off-camera.  It really upset me how little this movie seems to be aware of what they're presenting the viewer with off-camera as Cameron Diaz keeps repeating "no" over and over as she's raped by the husband she was forced to marry.  The light-hearted music that plays over this doesn't help matters.

BEST SCENE NOT FEATURING KEANU

Nominees

*Keanu's alien robot releases the nanobots that are going to destroy Earth - The Day the Earth Stood Still - Yeah, this movie isn't great but this scene is pretty cool and the effects are pretty fun.  Plus, we get to see Giants Stadium get destroyed!

*Monica Bellucci commits suicide at lunch - Private Lives of Pippa Lee - Well this certainly came out of nowhere.  

*Tiger Chen fight montage - Man of Tai Chi - Really well choreographed fight sequence that allows Tiger Chen to show off, big time.

*Common has an exit interview - A Happening of Monumental Proportions - Kumail Nanjiani is the HR rep responsible for Common's exit interview after being unceremoniously fired and it's hilarious.

*Robert Downey Jr. Makes a "silencer" - A Scanner Darkly - One of several hilarious sequences featuring RDJ.

*Captain Logan does his best impression of Ted - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - The single funniest part of the movie, an amazingly funny and accurate impression of Ted.

I totally possessed my dad!

And the Keanu goes to...

Common's exit interview.  Kumail and Common have confusingly fun energy working off one another and this scene happens to be extremely funny and the best part of the movie.

WORST SCENE FEATURING KEANU

Nominees

*Every single musical sequence - Babes in Toyland - KILL ME.

*Keanu eats a muffin - Generation Um... - Previously mentioned in my last post, a complete waste of time.

*Keanu dances around to Dragula - The Watcher - I think this is supposed to be scary but it comes off as very, very stupid.

*Keanu has a panic attack - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - Keanu is on screen for about two minutes in this movie, in which he has a panic attack and collapses on the ground.  It's awful.

*Keanu is tortured by two maniacs - Knock Knock - Well I embedded his monologue above, but there's a lot more to this scene than just that, including Keanu being "tortured" by being forced to listen to really loud music.   It's worse than it sounds.

*Abner has a boat race - Sweet November - Keanu helps the neighborhood latchkey kid win a remote control boat race and it's pure idiocy.

*The Battle for Zion - The Matrix Revolutions - I'm not sure this qualifies as a scene because it's literally half the movie but it's basically 60 minutes of CGI garbage.  Seriously hard to watch.

*Robot Keanu goes on a killing spree - Replicas - LAUGHABLY STUPID.  Particularly when Robot Keanu starts to choke Jones to death.

*Fake me out murder scene - Tune in Tomorrow - a light hearted comedy decides to throw in a very serious murder scene at the end of the movie that turns out to be a dream sequence.  Just bad.

*End sequence - Henry's Crime - Keanu abandons his buddies and the millions of dollars he's just stolen to help finish the play he's in and the movie basically just stops.

*Keanu beats himself up - Hardball - Keanu smashes his head through a glass window (this should really just kill him) in order to escape some gambling debts.  Woof.

Seconds away from smashing his head through glass.  Genius move.

*Keanu gives a speech about literal shit - The Bad Batch - One of the only scenes in the movie that truly feature Keanu is him giving a talk about how he's responsible for cleaning up all the shit in the town everyone lives in.  Unquestionably terrible.

*The Merovingian gets a lady off through magic - The Matrix Reloaded - Seriously, what the fuck is this shit and what is it doing in this movie?

Picture posted solely for the Merovingian.  I didn't even notice Monica Bellucci.

*Keanu fights 1,000 Agent Smiths - The Matrix Reloaded - This quickly devolves into another CGI mess and looks completely cartoonish.

*Surprise Pirates of the Caribbean sequence - 47 Ronin - The movie is mainly about mystic shit in feudal Japan but takes a 10 minute detour to a very strange scene that looks like it came from a certain Johnny Depp franchise.

And the Keanu goes to...

Keanu dances to Dragula. Think about what creep dude Buffalo Bill is in Silence of the lambs while he's dancing around with his tucked-in dick.  Now picture the exact opposite and you've got this dance scene.  Video embedded below.

BEST SCENE FEATURING KEANU (Action sequences excluded)

*Keanu gets drunk with grandpa - A Walk in the Clouds - An honestly charming scene with Keanu and Anthon Quinn

*Harlon and Marlon try to kill a man - I Love You to Death - The funniest part of this movie features Keanu Reeves trying to figure out how to kill a guy and involves him saying the pledge of allegiance in order to figure out which side of the body the heart is on.

I pledge allegiance...

*Keanu is on "drugs" at the club - The Night Before - I love that he's been slipped generic "drugs" and it causes him to dance around and act like an idiot all while George Clinton and Parliament play in the background.  

*Giovanni Ribisi loses his shit on Keanu - The Gift - Keanu starts fucking with the fortune teller's kid before Giovanni Ribisi decides he's not going to put up with it.  

*Keanu runs to the graveyard - Under the Influence - Dramatic sequence in this made for TV movie had me legitimately scared this was going to end in a suicide.  

*Keanu ascends to heaven but is pulled back to Earth - Constantine - So good just for the double middle fingers he gives to the devil before being dragged back down.

*Bill and Ted play board games with Death - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - The second funniest part of the movie had Bill and Ted play against Death in Twister, Clue, Electric Football and Battleship, a wonderful spoof of the Seventh Seal.

Right foot blue

*Bill and Ted give their presentation - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - The duo's adventure through time concludes with a most triumphant presentation.  Why are they allowed to present together?  When did they have time to prepare for this (given that the clock in San Dimas is always ticking)?  Who cares, this scene is radical, dude!

*Bill and Ted play the song that saves the world - Bill and Ted Face the Music - Already wrote about this one before but it's a great way to end the trilogy.

*Keanu drives drunk and nearly kills his dead friend's brother - Permanent Record - the most dramatic part of this movie is one of the best pieces of acting in Keanu's career.

*Leaving notes for burglars - A Scanner Darkly - Keanu, Robert Downey Jr and Woody Harrelson discuss the benefits of leaving notes on their front door for potential burglars.  It's a lot of drugged out paranoia talk (much like the rest of the movie) and it's all very funny.

*Bus jump - Speed - The most thrilling part of the movie, completely ludicrous but just so good.

And the Keanu goes to...

Bill and Ted's presentation.  I've probably seen this a few hundred times and it never gets old.

WORST ACTOR (NON KEANU)

Nominees

Chris Isaac - Little Buddha - The most wooden performance I might have ever seen in a major motion picture.  Who did he blackmail to get put in this??

An actual real life photo of Chris Isaac in Little Buddha

James Spader - The Watcher - I'm not sure if someone forged his signature to appear in this as well but I hope that's also his excuse.

Everyone - Babes in Toyland - Honestly one of the worst and most irredeemable movies I've ever seen.

Everyone - Johnny Mnemonic - It would be impossible for me to single out whoever is worst in this movie.  Ice T?  Beat Takeshi?  Dolph Lundgren?  The cybernetic dolphin named Jones?  Take your pick.

And the Keanu goes to...

Chris Isaac.  Honestly, I almost didn't nominate anyone else.  At least in Johnny Mnemonic everyone is comically bad.  Chris Isaac felt like he needed to take human lessons in this one.

WORST KEANU PERFORMANCE

Nominees

*The Watcher - You might have noticed that this movie has appeared in a lot of "worst" of categories so far.  Yeah, there's a reason for that.

*Johnny Mnemonic - Again, everyone in this movie, Keanu included, is fucking dreadful.

*Dangerous Liasons - Just horribly miscast, but at least he's not in the movie for long.

*Knock Knock - Keanu might be the most unbelievable when he's attempting to portray himself as a happy family man.  It just doesn't fit.

*Replicas - Same thing as Knock Knock, but a tiny bit better in this one.

Boot the mapping sequence!

And the Keanu goes to...

The Watcher.  Someone better call AT&T because Keanu really phoned this one in.  What's worse is that this doesn't even fall into the 'so bad it's good' category because it's just plain unwatchable.

BEST KEANU PERFORMANCE

Nominees

*I Love You to Death - Sorry but he's standout good in an otherwise mediocre movie.

*The Gift - Genuinely his scariest performance to date.

*Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey - Yes way, Ted!

*John Wick Trilogy - Can't even imagine this movie starring anyone else.

*A Happening of Monumental Proportions - Only in the movie for about four minutes, but hilarious.

*The Neon Demon - Only in the movie for about four minutes, but super creepy.

*Thumbsucker - Hippy, new-age dentist Keanu.

And the Keanu goes to...

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.  Come on, without this movie I don't think Keanu would be where he is today.

WORST MOVIE

Before the nominations a quick note - Yes, I've already made my ultimate movie list rankings, but those were specifically for movies I'd rather watch than the ones next to it, so just because my number 59 movie was technically my least favorite, it doesn't necessarily mean it's the actual worst movie.  Get it?  I'm also excluding made for TV movies IE Babes in Toyland for this.

Nominees

*Generation Um... - This movie is impossibly bad.  It was so bad that it looks like nobody involved went on to make anything else, which is probably for the best.

*Sweet November - Between Charlize Theron playing the most annoying love interest of any movie I can remember watching, the horribly obnoxious neighborhood latchkey kid and the nonsensical story, this movie is a dumpster fire.

*Knock Knock - Have I mentioned that Eli Roth is a complete and utter hack?  How is this guy still allowed to make movies?  Why did Keanu agree to this?  

This photo might make you think this is a movie you'd be interested in watching.  Think again.

*The Watcher - I'm running out of synonyms for the word terrible at this point, but you can take all of them and use it to describe this movie.

*Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - Uma Thurman has giant thumbs and meets a lot of random weirdos and a 90 minute movie manages to feel four hours long.

And the Keanu goes to...

Generation Um...I could make an argument for any of these movies to take this prize as they are all terrible, but Generation Um...is a special kind of terrible.  It meanders and pretends to be artsy when it's anything but.  Just a complete waste of time.

BEST MOVIE

Same as above, Best Movie isn't necessarily my favorite movie but yeah, it's still pretty close.

Nominees

*Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - It's wild to me that this movie from 1989 still holds up over 30 years later, except of course for the fact that anyone under the age of 25 probably has no idea what a phone booth is.

*John Wick - The first movie is a masterpiece in world building and storytelling.

*John Wick - Parabellum - The third movie is a masterpiece in fight choreography and set pieces.  And it just looks beautiful.

*The Matrix - I feel like the first movie was a revelation in special effects the same was Terminator 2 was 10 years beforehand.  It's also a really cool story that has been ripped off time and time again since its release.

And the Keanu goes to...

John Wick.  Yes, if I was playing desert island and I could only choose one movie to watch for the rest of my life it would probably be a toss-up between Excellent Adventure and Parabellum but from a pure "this is the best movie" standpoint, it's gotta be John Wick.  The movie is a goddamn work of art.  Between the world building and the action sequences it's remarkable what Chad Stahelski was able to accomplish on a pretty limited budget.  

Best movie ever?

And that's it.  That's the end.  

For all three people who have been reading this project, I'd like to thank you for sticking around and reading what must now be 50,000+ words on this stupid blog.  And hey, I've got a surprise post coming up next on what's next for me...

The Keanu Reeves Project - Recap Part 2 - Lessons Learned and Awards Part 1

In case you missed the first part of my recap, you can find it HERE or just you know, scroll down past this post.

So I put a lot of time into this project.  I started this about six months ago right around the time COVID hit and everything started getting shut down.  I'm already a bit of a homebody but COVID literally forced me to stay indoors and find various ways to occupy my time so I decided to sit down and watch all of the movies from one of my favorite actors and personal heroes, Keanu Reeves.  Beyond watching all of these movies, many of my recaps (especially the second half of this) also took me quite a while to write, which I know you must be thinking, "wait, it actually took you time to write this unfunny garbage I've been reading for six months?"

Yes.  It's taken quite a while to be this unfunny.

So, before getting to some awards I wanted to take just a few paragraphs to discuss some of the lessons I've learned from watching 59 movies featuring but mainly starring Keanu Reeves.

1) Keanu's reputation of being a "bad" actor are mostly unfounded.

This is something I've been arguing for years but now I have incontrovertible evidence.  Seriously, if there's one thing that most of my friends know about me it's that I'm a huge Keanu fan and most of them have never really agreed or understood, not to mention that back in the before-times when I was actually able to have conversations with human beings who don't live in my house, my statements about the greatness of Keanu were often met with a mix of skepticism, derision and incredulity.

Is Keanu a traditionally "great" actor?  No, he is not and he will never be Michael Shannon, Denzel Washington, Tom Hardy, or any other number of actors whose work I also enjoy.  That said, when he's put in a position to do what he does best, the man is excellent.  This can be comedic work, as seen in movies like the Bill and Ted trilogy, I Love You to Death, A Happening of Monumental Proportions and Parenthood, or in dramatic work especially when a movie needs a stoic and serious actor such as The Neon Demon or Permanent Record.

And lastly, if you need a guy willing to put in the work, I don't know who else tops Keanu.  Just think about how much training was required for his two action trilogies, The Matrix and John Wick.

Speaking of John Wick, Keanu is simply at his best when he's playing someone who has experienced extreme loss.  Perhaps it's due to his own personal experiences in life, perhaps not.  Just to go back to it for a second, but Permanent Record is still the movie I'd refer to when people say that Keanu is a bad actor, and this movie was made before he suffered some of the more major trauma in his life (at least what the public is privy to).  

It's mainly when he's horribly miscast does Keanu seem to fail as an on-screen performer.  For example, in The Watcher, it's impossible to take him seriously as a psychopathic serial killer or Knock Knock wherein he's a supposedly happy family man (likewise for Replicas).  

2) Please stop making Keanu do accents

Dear God, Keanu's accent work is almost exclusively terrible and it hurt me every time he was dropped into a movie and forced into accents that often come and go from scene to scene.  This is especially frustrating when there's literally no reason for Keanu to have an accent in the first place.  Like in The Devil's advocate, why force Keanu to be a lawyer from the south?  He could have been from literally anywhere and not forced into a shitty accent.  And why does his character have a British accent in Dangerous Liasons when the movie takes place in France?  For that matter, why isn't there any accent consistency in that movie whatsover from anyone?  Are they French, British, American?    

At least in Dracula it made sense for him to be putting on a British accent, as crappy as it was.

Anyway, please stop forcing accents on Keanu or if there's no choice for some reason, get him a better dialect coach.  But seriously, just stop making him do accents.

3) There's a reason that I haven't seen many of his movies prior to this project

Just a quick stat pulled from my last post - my movie ratings of movies I'd previously watched prior to this filmography versus movies that were new to me is 7.6 and 4.4.  Yes, most of the movies that were new to me were garbage and so it's pretty obvious why I'd avoided them to this point.  In fact, I only gave a rating of seven or higher to six out of 42 new to me movies.  That's not good but it just goes to show that I don't generally waste my time watching shitty movies (unless I'm specifically watching them because I know they're shitty in advance).

4) Keanu might not be great at picking his projects

I honestly don't know how Keanu got roped into some of these movies.  Did he owe favors?  Was he being blackmailed?  I mean in the case of The Watcher, the story goes that his assistant forged his name on the contract forcing Keanu to star in the movie and rather than get into a protracted legal battle Keanu just said "fuck it," and did the movie.  Knock Knock?  Exposed?  Generation Um...?  Keanu, what the fuck are you doing in these movies?  I get wanting to take some risks or give young filmmakers a chance but there's no way he could have read some of these scripts and said, "yes, this is the part for me!"

On the flip side, I DO like that Keanu is willing to take some risks, which he's able to do at least in part by the fact that he made something like a quarter of a billion dollars from the Matrix trilogy.  Small indies like A Happening of Monumental Proportions and Thumbsucker almost certainly didn't have the ability to pay him top dollar for his work so it's cool that he is willing to appear in smaller movies even if they're usually not good.

5) IMDB ratings are worthless

This isn't exactly a lesson from this project, it's already commonly known that IMDB ratings are for shit.  Some of the best movies on this list sit with mediocre ratings on IMDB and some of his WORST movies....also sit with ratings that are far too high for what they are.  

Feeling Minnesota has a 5.4, The Matrix Revolutions has a 6.8, Sweet November a 6.7, and even Knock Knock has a 4.9.  In no sane world could anyone think any of these movies are better than a 3 out of ten, and even then you'd have to have at least a little bit of brain damage to give it that high a score.

6) Keanu Reeves really does star in some of my all-time favorite movies

I ranked all of his movies in my last post and I honestly think that my top 9 (Speed, Bill and Ted Trilogy, John Wick Trilogy, Point Break and The Matrix) are all probably in my favorite 20 or 30 movies of all time.  Dare I say, I don't expect to ever see a trilogy of action movies again in my lifetime that will match up to John Wick.  And just think, there are going to be two more of them in a few years!

7) I don't like Keanu as a romantic lead unless he has great chemistry with his counterpart

The Lake House - fine!  I mean it's not a good movie but it actually seems like him and Sandra Bullock like each other, which makes it pretty stupid to keep your on-screen romantic couple apart for 95% of the movie.  

Sweet November - awful!  Even though it was his second movie with Charlize Theron, there's nothing between them.  And also this movie is straight garbage.

A Walk in the clouds - fine!  Actual on-screen chemistry with Aitana Sanchez-Gijon turned this into a better than average movie that I'd actually softly recommend.

Siberia - Awful!  It felt like he met his romantic counterpart in the middle of shooting the movie.

8) Keanu CAN play a villain but this is far from a sure thing

One of my favorite Keanu performances in this project is as the redneck wife beater in The Gift where he's genuinely scary or even in the Neon Demon where he plays a seriously creepy motel proprietor but then you look at a flat performance in Man of Tai Chi and a wretched performance in The Watcher and I'd have to say let's keep Keanu as a protagonist.  

9) Keanu fucking rules.

Okay, okay, okay, this isn't exactly a lesson.  I wouldn't have watched 59 of his movies if I didn't already love Keanu Reeves, but the dude is awesome.  He puts in the behind the scenes work to make his movies and, for better or worse, he's willing to take on risky projects and appear in small indie movies where he couldn't have gotten paid much more than scale.  This isn't even to mention all of what's publicly known about Keanu in regards to his philanthropical activities and the way he interacts with fans.  Keanu is just a guy that you'd want to be friends with.

10) Watching an entire actor's filmography is definitely an interesting way to watch movies. 

To be clear, I've sat through a lot of garbage for this project and watched a fair amount of movies I'd never even heard of prior to this.   For someone like Keanu who has a 30+ year career I assume that's to be expected.  But I also found a small handful of hidden gems that I also never would have seen had it not been for this. After a break and getting back to my giant list of movies to watch for a while, I might start over with another actor I like, and I already have a few in mind.

And with that said, let's get to some awards, the first annual and only Keanu's!

MOST OUT OF WHACK ROTTEN TOMATOES SCORE

Nominees

*A Happening of Monumental Proportions - 16% - I rated this movie a 7 and it has more than a handful of funny moments, I get that the movie isn't perfect, it's a little disjointed and ends with a few loose threads left unresolved but this RT score is criminally low for a pretty entertaining little movie.

*Knock Knock - 37% - I rated this movie a 2.5 but there is no sane world in which this should have anything higher than 5% critical score.  It's really, really fucking terrible.

*Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - 54% - I rated this a 9.5  Okay, I'm a little biased on this as I grew up on it but come on, it's still a pretty funny movie.

*Point Break - 69% - I rated this a 10.  How can anyone not like this movie?

*Something's Gotta Give - 72% - I gave this a 3.  I wrote in my post about this that Nancy Meyers isn't making movies for me, but who is she making movies for?  Brain-dead 50 year old women with no sense of reality?

And the Keanu goes to...

A Happening of Monumental Proportions

So this isn't the funniest movie I've ever seen, but at a brisk 80 minutes it is chock full of pretty good jokes and the four minutes that Keanu appears in are seriously funny.  I even give this a lukewarm recommend and feel like this deserves a significantly higher RT score.

Totally cockfucked with appointments all day!

BEST/WEIRDEST CAMEO

Nominees

*Michael Shannon - Chain Reaction - Flower Delivery Guy - One of his earliest roles, he appears to play a stoned flower delivery guy and hey, I love Michael Shannon and he's a final candidate for the next filmography project.

*Giovanni Ribisi - The Bad Batch - Unnamed Town Weirdo - I believe he appears in a total of two scenes in the movie, one where he walks around mumbling to himself and later dancing aimlessly in the streets.  I have no idea why he took this role since he's well established by now.

*Alex Jones - A Scanner Darkly - Street Preaching Weirdo - I think this movie was filmed in Austin, which would make some sense as to his appearance and this movie came out before Alex Jones was ALEX JONES (although he was always an asshole conspiracy theorist).

Rotoscoped Alex Jones is still one of the worst people alive

*Phoebe Cates - I Love You to Death - Club Chick - Phoebe Cates randomly shows up in an uncredited role in this and is seduced by the philandering Kevin Kline, who is her real life husband.  Plus, she looks great. 

*Anthony Keidis - Point Break - Tone - I've seen Point Break 100 times and I'm just now learning that this character has a name.  Sure, it's not as cool as Bodhi or War Child, but Anthony Keidis does get the shit kicked out of him and is later shot in the foot.  He certainly makes the most out of one of his only film roles.

Punchable

*Cornel West - The Matrix Reloaded/The Matrix Revolutions/The Private Lives of Pippa Lee - I was confused when he showed up in the Matrix Reloaded, less confused when he also appeared in The Matrix Revolutions, and then thoroughly confused once again when he showed up a third time at the opening dinner party in The Private Lives of Pippa Lee.  My man, you are a professor and an activist and not an actor, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THREE MOVIES IN KEANU'S FILMOGRAPHY?

And the Keanu goes to...

Cornel West.  It's just so fucking weird and I'm just picturing Cornell and Keanu sitting down and discussing philosophy with one another and I just really hope it happened at some point.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

MOST BORING MOVIE

Nominees

*My Own Private Idaho - I don't know who this movie was really made for but definitely not me.  I really hated all of the fake Shakespearean dialogue that came and went throughout but it was hard to pay attention anyway since I kept falling asleep.

*Generation Um... - A movie with no plot where nothing happens for 100 minutes.  There is a four minute shot of Keanu eating a muffin and while I love the guy, this is not what one might call enthralling cinema.

*Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - Just a wretched movie that felt like it was nine hours long.

*The Bad Batch - I know I'm repeating myself at this point but how do you make a movie about a dystopian wasteland full of drugs and cannibals and make it mind-numbingly boring?

Enjoy the view cause you're not getting much in the way of story

*Little Buddha - The half of the movie that focused on the family were interminable, but the movie is partially (but certainly not entirely) saved by the story of brown-face Keanu as Siddartha.

And the Keanu goes to...

Generation Um...Sorry, you can't have Keanu wandering around Central Park doing nothing of interest for 20 minutes and pretend you're making art.  Everything about this movie is boring and awful and nobody should ever sit through this unless they're also doing a Keanu Reeves filmography.

Exciting!

BEST MUSICAL/DANCE SEQUENCE

Nominees

*Keanu does drugs and gets dancy - The Night Before - Probably the funniest sequence of this movie, and Keanu gets to show off some legitimately good moves.

*Wyld Stallyns vs. Denomolos - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - Bill and Ted show up to the Battle of the Bands, defeat Denomolos, and play the song that saves the world which happens to sound oddly similar to God Gave Rock and Roll to You by KISS.

*Wyld Stallyns plays the REAL song that unites the world - Bill and Ted Face the Music - Okay, so forget everything that happens at the end of Bogus Journey, just pretend it didn't happen.  I fucking love the final sequence of Face the Music and yes I teared up all four times I've watched the movie.

*Keanu's classmate sings a tribute to their dead friend - Permanent Record - Okay yes, I teared up at this too.  The quality of the song itself can be debated but this was such a powerful moment in a shockingly good movie about teen suicide.

*Keanu the crooner - Sweet November - Keanu ends his 12 days of Christmas presents to Charlize by singing at the end of the movie and it's really romantic stupid.

I've got you under my skin

*Everyone dances in prison - The Replacements - Okay, I'm not going to lie, now I'm just trying to fill out the rest of this category.

*Rave Scene - The Matrix Reloaded

*Rave Scene - The Bad Batch

And the Keanu goes to...

Wyld Stallyns unites the world.  Sorry but if I've watched the same sequence four times in a little over a month and I'm still tearing up at the end, you've done something right.

BEST ACTION SEQUENCE AKA THE "IT CAN'T ALL BE JOHN WICK AWARD"

Nominees

*Keanu Chases Bodhi through the streets - Point Break - Just a really well shot foot chase that ends in the classic shot of Keanu firing his gun into the air (dude, not worth the report you're going to need to write for discharging your weapon!).

KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

*John Wick's home is assaulted - John Wick - The very first action sequence in the first movie showcases why John Wick is not a man to be fucked with and teases all that is to come.

*Gunfight at the Red Circle - John Wick - I love the tracking throughout the club from the hot tub to the dance floor and through the various other parts of the Red Circle all accompanied by a sweet techno beat.

*Highway Fight - The Matrix Reloaded - Literally the only good part from either of the sequels, this scene must have been impossible to shoot.  So many destroyed vehicles.

Never bring a katana to a highway fight

*Lobby Shootout - The Matrix - Guns.  Lots of guns.  Neo and Trinity blast through a few dozen security guards and potentially also inspire an entire generation of school shooters.

*Fight at the knife museum - John Wick Parabellum - All the close combat and brutal knife kills that concludes with John Wick throwing an axe down the length of the room and through an already dying man's head.

*Motorcycle fight sequence - John Wick Parabellum - Okay, so they apparently lifted this from another movie called The Villainess.  Doesn't make it any less cool.

*Catacombs Shootout - John Wick 2 - Shares some similarities with the Red Circle fight, just more brutal.

And the Keanu goes to...

Fight at the knife museum.  I mean this is a really hard choice and I even had to leave out a dozen more action sequences from the John Wick trilogy (the library fight versus Boban and the battle of the Continental stand out) but I just really love this fight as it shows off some really awesome choreography and manages to also have a comedic moment or two thrown in.

Very close to ensuring there won't be any baby Wicks

WORST ROMANTIC PARTNER

Nominees

*Ana Ularu - Siberia - I don't know if this actress is any good in anything else she's in but her and Keanu have absolutely NO chemistry.  I honestly think the first time they met must have been right before they shot one of the MANY sex scenes they have together.

*Charlize Theron - Sweet November - I love Charlize Theron and think she's a pretty wonderful actress but in Sweet November I just want her manic pixie dream girl character to hurry up and die.  

Fucking ugh

*Sandra Bullock - The Lake House - Okay, this nomination is more for the fact that despite her chemistry with Keanu, this movie features them on-screen together for roughly eight minutes. 

*Diane Lane - Hardball - I really don't understand this relationship at all as this movie hints at a romantic relationship between her and Keanu and then proceed to have it go absolutely nowhere.

*Diane Keaton - Something's Gotta Give - Hot young doctor Keanu Reeves falls head over heels for much older woman who basically treats him like shit and eventually leaves him on the spot for Jack Nicholson?  To say this stretches all semblance of reality is an understatement.

And the Keanu goes to...

Ana Ularu.  It's not even close.  Don't watch Siberia.

BEST ROMANTIC PARTNER

Nominees

*Aitana Sanchez-Gijon - A Walk in the Clouds - I have no idea what happened to this woman and where her career went after this movie nor do I care to look it up, but she's really wonderful in this movie and is excellent alongside our boy Keanu.

*Sandra Bullock - Speed - Okay I might be cheating a bit here as I'm not sure you could say she's necessarily a "romantic partner" in this movie, but her chemistry with Keanu is so good that they ended up in the Lake House together several years later.

*Vera Farmiga - Henry's Crime - Not the best movie in the filmography but she's sweet in this and her relationship with Keanu is believable enough.

*Wynona Ryder - Destination Wedding - Again, not the best movie but it's extremely evident that Wynona and Keanu are real-life buddies and this is the FOURTH movie they both appear in.  Their constant bickering in the first half of this movie is relatively annoying but I like that their chemistry is basically the opposite of everything in Siberia.

And the Keanu goes to...

Aitana Sanchez-Gijon.  I've already mentioned it but I don't love Keanu in romantic roles, but her performance in this movie is part of why I didn't rate this movie much lower.  I hope she's doing well.

Going for a walk...in the clouds

WORST VILLAIN

Nominees

Jones - Replicas - He spends the first two acts of the movie unconvincingly playing the boss of a biotech lab and then last act as a way over-the-top "bad guy."  It's all just so laughably bad.

Keanu - The Watcher - Keanu sleepwalks his way playing the least convincing serial killer in movie history.  Granted, he isn't given a lot to work with but he's about as scary as Hello Kitty.

Brian Cox - Chain Reaction - Yet another villain that becomes unnecessarily evil in the final act.  I really like Brian Cox but I have no idea what he's doing here.

Every bad guy in Johnny Mnemonic (Beat Takeshi/Dolph Lundgren/Denis Akiyama) - Dear sweet God everyone in this is just so fucking bad.  Beat Takeshi is lifeless, Dolph Lundgren is a caricature and Denis Akiyama, despite a cool laser whip, is abysmal.  I might have liked this movie had it been marketed as a comedy.

Ana de Armas and Lorenza Izzo - Knock Knock - The two of them were clearly written by a man who hates women and is probably an incel.  But they are also horrible annoying, unrealistic and confusingly evil.  

Al Pacino - The Devil's Advocate - Possibly the most controversial nominee but fuck you, this is my list.  Al Pacino spends 2.5 hours chewing scenery and giving impossibly long monologues.  Peter Stormare's depiction of Satan in Constantine is far superior.

And the Keanu goes to...

Every bad guy in Johnny Mnemonic.  I mean, you really just need to watch the movie for yourself but it's like everyone in this movie is trying to top the next guy for how terrible they are.

Laser whip >>>> Acting

BEST VILLAIN

Nominees

*Keanu Reeves - Donnie Barksdale - The Gift - Keanu is legit scary as a wife-beating redneck and while it's evident from the start that he's not the real killer it doesn't make him any less scary.

*Keanu Reeves - Hank - The Neon Demon - Okay, so he's only on screen for less than ten minutes but he's super creepy and gives one of the best monologues of this entire project when he creepily explains how he's renting out room to underage girls and the plans that he may or may not have for them.

 *Gary Oldman - Dracula - Dracula - Gary Oldman looks insane as Dracula and is pretty terrifying in \general.  He might be the only good part of this movie.

7

*Dennis Hopper - Howard Payne - Speed - One of the only "true" villains of this project, Howard Payne has zero positive qualities and is simply an evil, mad bomber.  Dennis Hopper plays this perfectly.

Shoot the hostage

*Anthony Carrigan - Dennis Caleb Mccoy - Bill and Ted Face the Music - Okay, I'm using the term "villain" pretty loosely here as DCM is only a villain for about five minutes before he turns and becomes one of the funniest parts of the movie.

*Hugo Weaving - Agent Smith - The Matrix - Please note that this is for the first movie only.  Hugo Weaving plays an uncaring machine inside the Matrix and he's just really, really good.

*Jim Belushi - Boone - The Whole Truth - Are you as surprised as I am that I nominated anyone from The Whole Truth for a Keanu award?  Jim Belushi plays a real asshole of a father in this and is scarily convincing.

*Michael Nyqvist - Viggo - John Wick - He's more humorous than he is scary but I mean, how can you bring so much gravitas to a movie with the single word "Oh."

*Diane Keaton - Erica - Something's Gotta Give - "Oh Jordan," you might be saying, "Diane Keaton isn't a villain in this movie!"  WRONG!  She toys Keanu along for about six months before unceremoniously dumping him in Paris immediately after getting engaged.  She also spends parts of the movie both crying and cackling maniacally and is a generally awful person.

Pure. Unadulterated.  Evil.

And the Keanu goes to...

Dennis Hopper.  He's a major reason Speed is so goddamn good.  And yes, I came really close to giving this to Diane Keaton.

MOST FUN OR INTERESTING KEANU LOOK

Nominees

*Prince of Pennsylvania - Keanu looks like a middle aged lesbian.

My friends call me Beth

*I Love You to Death - Keanu looks like a junkie, which is good because that's what he plays.

Kinda like me every day during COVID

*John Wick - The suit, the beard, the hair...I'm not saying I'm gay or anything but damn Keanu, looking good.

Iconic

*Parenthood - Keanu sported a lot of VERY STUPID looks early in his career.  

Chillin with Plimpton

*Street Kings - Clean cut Keanu

You're under arrest...for looking good!

*The Replacements - A bit shaggy

It's hard throwing accurate passes with all this hair in my face

And the Keanu goes to...

John Wick - What can I say, the man looks good in a suit.

Well that wraps up awards part 1.  Stay tuned for part two where I get to the biggest awards of the season including best and worst performances by Keanu and his co-stars, best scenes, and some more bonus categories!

The Keanu Reeves Project - Recap Part 1

It's over.

I started the Keanu Reeves Project almost exactly six months ago as a creative outlet to exercise my non-existent writing ability as well as a way to pass some time while the responsible ones of us continue to avoid just about any human contact while we continue to deal with the ongoing pandemic.  For 25 years, I've proclaimed my love for Keanu Reeves despite the fact that I hadn't seen MANY of his movies.  

Well, that's all history now as I've watched every movie Keanu has been in with just a few small exceptions that I'll explain why not momentarily.  I plan on using this recap part 1 to  provide my final rankings, and write down some interesting and not so interesting statistics and facts.

First, let's get to my final rankings as compiled through the "My Movie Rating" from every post.  To be clear, I'm having to make a few edits as these final rankings reflect movies I would choose to watch over another.  So for instance, while I gave "Replicas" a 3 because it's a dreadful movie, this list will have it rated higher than "My Own Private Idaho," because while "Idaho" is technically a better movie, I'd still rather sit through the idiocy of "Replicas" than be bored to death with another watch of "Idaho."  Here we go:

THE "I DIDN'T WATCH THIS" CATEGORY

N/A - The Spongebob Movie - Didn't watch, Keanu appears as a brief cameo only.

N/A - Between Two Ferns - Didn't watch, Keanu appears as a brief cameo only.

N/A - Toy Story 4 - Didn't watch, voiceover only but I'll watch this movie some day.

N/A - Always be my Maybe - Didn't watch - Keanu's brief cameo while hilarious, didn't justify a full viewing.

N/A - Ellie Parker - Didn't watch, Keanu's band Dogstar is in this movie for a moment and Keanu doesn't speak.

N/A - Me and Will - Didn't watch, Keanu's band Dogstar also makes a brief appearance in this and Keanu doesn't speak.

N/A - Much Ado About Nothing - I only watched 30ish minutes of this and couldn't finish because of my undying hatred for all things Shakespeare.  I probably should have just powered through this but I just couldn't.

N/A - Providence - I would have watched this but this movie has literally been erased from history and is unavailable to watch anywhere, both legal or otherwise.  If I ever meet Keanu Reeves, the first question I'll have of him is "what the hell happened to this movie?"

The only still available on the internet of Providence looks like the Zapruder Film

UNWATCHABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

59 - Babes In Toyland - Unwatchable made for TV garbage, stay away at all costs, but if you do happen to watch it (don't) definitely don't do the 2.5 hour director's cut like I did.

58 - Generation Um...- Feels like a student project...from a failing student with severe learning disabilities.

57 - Knock Knock - Eli Roth garbage that can only be enjoyed by Men's Rights activists and incels.

56 - Sweet November - Nonsensical terminal romance garbage that made me somehow hate Charlize Theron.

55 - The Watcher - Keanu is a very non-menacing serial killer and this movie nearly killed his career.

And it shows!

54 - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues - A horrible adaptation of what I'm guessing is also pretty shitty source material.  

53 - The Matrix Revolutions - Basically two hours of CGI garbage, shockingly terrible.

BAD, BORING, AND JUST PLAIN STUPID

52 - Exposed - Murdered by the studio in the editing room, not that the original movie was much better and I would know since I watched the director's cut too.

51 - Something's Gotta Give - A movie not made with me in mind and that's just fine, but it's also just horrendous and Diane Keaton's character is a wretched human being presented as a hero for some reason.

50 - Feeling Minnesota - More like Feeling Like Turning This Off, am I right?

49 - Dracula - Not scary, but very slow and boring.

48 - My Own Private Idaho - More Gus Van Sant boring tediousness.

47 - Flying - Teen drama schlock.

46 - Siberia - Watch Keanu have sex a lot with an actress he has zero chemistry with.  Also, diamonds!

45 - Little Buddha - Keanu in brownface!  Two and half very boring hours and Chris Isaac is a wooden post.

Simply embarrassing

44 - The Bad Batch - Drugs and cannibals in a dystopic wasteland that a bunch of people went out of their way to somehow turn completely dull.

43 - Tune In Tomorrow - Romantic comedy featuring Peter Falk in a LOT of costumes, still not good.

42 - The Prince of Pennsylvania - One funny moment in 90 minutes is not a great ratio for a comedy.  At least it's short!

41 - River's Edge - Apathetic teens in the 80's don't care their friend is a murderer.  Have fun watching Crispin Glover be a huge weirdo for two hours.

40 - Henry's Crime - Somewhere there's a half-decent movie in here if someone bothered to rewrite this romantic-ish comedy with actual jokes.

GETTING BETTER BUT YOU STILL REALLY SHOULDN'T WATCH THESE

39 - Hardball - How DARE you try to make me feel sad after almost two hours of bullshit.  And what's with the fake me out romance with Diane Lane that goes nowhere?  Waste of time.

38 - Devil's Advocate - A two and a half hour movie that feels twice as long, hope you enjoy Al Pacino chewing the scenery and bad accents from Keanu.  A lot of people like this movie.  A lot of people are morons.

My feelings exactly, Keanu

37 - Brotherhood of Justice - Surprisingly watchable made for TV movie.

36 - The Private Lives of Pippa Lee - Slow but saved in part by a great performance by Robin Wright.

35 - The Day the Earth Stood Still - Mediocre remake of 50's movie nobody asked for.

34 - Destination Wedding - Watch Keanu and Wynona snipe at each other for 45 minutes before, duh, falling in love.

33 - The Lake House - Time traveling love story with A LOT of plot holes.

32 - Street Kings - Have you seen "Training Day?" Yeah, it's like that except shitty.

FUNNY BAD UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES AND INTOXICATION LEVEL

31 - Replicas - Very, very, very stupid but mildly entertaining in a 'this movie is comically bad' sort of way.

It's in the computer?

30 - Johnny Mnemonic - Cyberpunk action movie featuring some of the worst acting of this entire project.

BORDERLINE WATCHABLE

29 - The Neon Demon - Strange fever dream of a movie about modeling that will bash your skull with overt symbolism.

28 - Chain Reaction - Direct rip-off of "The Fugitive" that features literally 20+ actors that appear in both.  Sorry, no Tommy Lee Jones though.

Shit sorry, wrong movie....

Right, that's better

27 - The Whole Truth - Legal procedural with some obvious and not so obvious twists.

26 - The Matrix Reloaded - Almost entirely saved from a much lower rating by the highway scene.

25 - The Replacements - Almost funny but just misses the mark time and time again.  And the second movie where Keanu plays a quarterback.

24 - 47 Ronin - An action movie that's missing any action.

23 - A Walk in the Clouds - Not terrible romance.

22 - I Love you To Death - Stupid movie with a handful of funny moments.  Keanu doesn't feature prominently but when he's there he's great!

Best haircut

21 - Dangerous Liasons - Very clearly a stage play adapted to the screen, a bit slow with zero likable characters but really good performances by the leads.

LIGHT RECOMMENDS

20 - To the Bone - Trigger warning for those with eating disorders.

19 - The Night Before - 80's teen movie that would be impossible to make today, but not without a handful of mildly funny Keanu moments

18 - The Gift - Sam Raimi horror-ish move, Keanu is legitimately scary.

Keanu Reeves: wife beater

17 - Parenthood - Steve Martin led ensemble comedy, funny enough

16 - Under the Influence - Okay, there's no reason a made for TV movie from the 80's belongs here but it's a surprisingly good movie about alcohol abuse even if it gets just a bit too preachy at parts.  Probably the most controversial placement on this whole list but fuck you, this is my project.

15 - Constantine - I've never been a fan of comic book movies but this one is kinda fun.  I still don't like that house cats are used as gateways to Hell but hey, what can you do.

14 - A Happening of Monumental Proportions - Heavily panned ensemble comedy, but a very easy watch with a lot of laugh out loud moments from me.

13 - Thumbsucker - Indie coming-of-age movie with a lot of recognizable faces.

12 - Permanent Record - My new go-to movie when people tell me Keanu is a bad actor.

11 - A Scanner Darkly - Really great Phillip K Dick adaptation, Robert Downey Jr. steals the show.

10 - Man of Tai Chi - Keanu's only director credit, some cool action sequences

STRONG RECOMMENDS AKA THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET TOUGH

9 - Speed - Keanu as a supercop, great chemistry with Sandra Bullock and a great villain in Dennis Hopper.

8 - Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey - The "worst" of the trilogy but I grew up on this movie and I still love it.

7 - Point Break - Surfing, skydiving, bank robberies and Anthony Keidis. 

Surfs up, brah!

6 - Bill and Ted Face the Music - I am still blown away at how much they DIDN'T fuck this movie up.

A LIST OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME

5 - John Wick: Chapter 2 - The "least best" of the trilogy is still one of the best action movies of the last 20 years.

4 - The Matrix - This movie was revolutionary when it came out and still mostly holds up.

Keanu is definitely The One

3 - John Wick - The origin story of the Baba Yaga only beats chapter 2 due to the initial creativity and world building that even allowed for a great sequel in the first place.

2 - Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - Conservatively speaking, I've seen this movie 200 times.

1 - John Wick: Parabellum - The best domestic action movie ever made through 2019?

Hey, and how about some fun statistics and facts?

Cumulative run-time of Keanu Reeves' movies I've watched: 110 hours and six minutes.  And this doesn't count the fact that I watched two different versions of the movie "Exposed" as well as John Wick 2 with and without commentary. 

Average Rotten Tomatoes Critic Score: 51%

Average Rotten Tomatoes Audience Score: 57%

Highest RT scores: Speed (94), Dangerous Liasons (93), Parenthood (91), Much Ado About Nothing (90), John Wick Parabellum (90)

Lowest RT scores: Generation Um...(0), Exposed (8), The Watcher (10), Replicas (11), Siberia (12)

Number of movies with a RT score under 20: 12

Number of movies with a RT score above 80: 12

Average IMDB Score: 6.3

My average movie score: 5.3

My average Keanu score: 6.3

Approximate domestic box office adjusted (please note this information was not available for all movies but this is close enough): $3.16 Billion

Approximate worldwide box office (unadjusted): $4.7 Billion

Highest Grossing Movie: The Matrix Reloaded 

Number of trilogies: 3

Number of dead dogs: 4

A picture of a live dog

Number of Keanu movies I'd already seen: 17 

My average score of Keanu Movies I'd already seen: 7.6

Number of "new to me" movies: 42 

New to me for a reason

My average score of "new to me" Keanu movies: 4.4

Score difference of movies I've seen versus movies I hadn't: 3.2

Number of Keanu movies I had watched in a theater during an original run: 8 

A sample of various Keanu on-screen occupations: Cop/Detective/FBI Agent (5x), Lawyer (3x), Doctor (2x), Science Guy (2x), Serial Killer, Hacker, Assassin, Cult Leader, Architect, Demon Hunter, Tollbooth Operator

Is demon hunter an occupation?

Number of times Keanu has traveled to heaven: 1.5 (Bogus Journey + a half point for starting to go there in Constantine)

Number of times Keanu has traveled to hell: 3.5 (Bogus Journey, Face the Music, Constantine, and a half point for Devil's Advocate)

Welcome to Hell

Number of times Keanu has traveled to Toyland: 1 (Let's just not talk about this)

The absolute fucking worst

Countries Keanu has been in (at least in movie form): USA, Canada, France, England, India, China, Feudal Japan, Italy, Russia, Monaco

Baby it's COLD outside

Movies Keanu has worn brownface: 2 (Even Cowgirls get the Blues, Little Buddha)

No.  More.  Brownface.

On screen kills: Sorry, I don't have this number but between the John Wick and Matrix trilogies, the answer is a lot.

On screen animals: Cats, dogs, horses, goldfish, and one cybernetic dolphin

The least stupid part of this movie

Number of movies where Keanu drives or rides a motorcycle: 4

Totally unnecessary bike ride

Vehicles Keanu has traveled on or in: Racecar, Van, Surfboard, Airplane, Motorcycle, Pickup Truck, Phone Booth, Elevator, Subway, Houseboat, Moped, Horse-drawn carriage, Taxi, Fanboat, Spaceship, Truck, SUV

Movies Keanu is named John, Johnny, Jonathan: 9

Hello Jonathan

Movies with states in their title: 3 (Feeling Minnesota, My Own Private Idaho, Prince of Pennsylvania)

Number of Phoenix family siblings Keanu has appeared on-screen with: 3 (River, Joaquin, Rain)

Number of Red Hot Chili Peppers members Keanu has appeared on-screen with: 2 (Flea, Anthony Kiedas)

Actors/Actresses who notably or randomly appear in multiple movies (not a full and complete list but the ones I remember off the top of my head): Charlize Theron, Udo Kier, Vince D'Onofrio, Peter Stormare, Common, Sandra Bullock, Wynona Ryder, Ana de Armas, Dennis Hopper, Danny Hoch, Lawrence Fishburne, Lori Loughlin, Fred Ward, Monica Belluci, Giovanni Ribisi, Rachel Weisz, Uma Thurman, Jon Favreau, Tilda Swinton, Katie Holmes

Feel free to put Monica Bellucci in any and all movies

Person I'm convinced Keanu Reeves is a personal friend of: Peter Stormare.  Seriously, are they BFFs?  They were in Constantine, John Wick Chapter 2, Henry's Crime, and Keanu regularly appearing in Stormare's television show, Swedish Dicks.

Keanu's BFF?

Genre Breakdown: Action (8), Children's (1), Comedy (15), Drama (21), Horror (3), Romance (3), Science Fiction (9), "Thriller" (1 - if you can call "The Watcher" a thriller)

Current number of trilogies (to change once the next Matrix and John Wick movies are eventually released): 3

No caption needed

Drugs used on screen: Cocaine, Weed, Heroin, Substance D

Lemme hit that shit

Up next: Stick around, it's time for lessons from the project.